


Primal

by EpiphanyWisps



Series: Specimen Z and C [1]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: And by that I mean Zack takes his sexual frustrations too far, Angst, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mako Poisoning (Compilation of FFVII), Medical Trauma, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Non-Consensual Somnophilia, Non-Consensual Touching, Oral Fixation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, Somnophilia, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unrequited Lust, Zack doesn't realize he loves Cloud, Zack-centric, but he is still a good boy, just a confused boy, please head the tags as warnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26780755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpiphanyWisps/pseuds/EpiphanyWisps
Summary: Set along the timeframe of their time in the Shinra Mansion and after while they're on the run.Zack thinks he's pretty alright after they make it out from under Hojo's clutches. What he doesn't realize is that he's got his own form of PTSD. What started out as a friendship turns into something Zack doesn't realize he's started until he can't stop, already completely attached to his ragdoll of a friend that he refuses to leave behind. He used to thrive under everyone's attention, now he's only desperate for Cloud's, which he can't seem to get. Eventually Zack breaks under the pressure of it all and finds other ways to comfort himself.
Relationships: Zack Fair/Cloud Strife
Series: Specimen Z and C [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952710
Comments: 23
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yeet

Zack is one of those people you’d least expect to fall apart when things start to go bad. But many don’t know enough to see through the comforting façade. Zack is actually afraid inside, terrified that if he doesn’t always have someone willing to be at his side he’ll burn out like a dying flame and drift off endlessly. His worst fear, despite how cheerful he represents himself, is having no one to stand beside him. No one to calm that jittery quake in his heart. He hides behind those smiles and walks right into people’s lives where he hopes he can stay, always trying to snuff out the darkness in his heart with a sunny demeanor and a promise to others that he will be just as loyal. He’s always optimistic.

But just as he chose to be an optimist, Zack chose not to see the worst. He refused to see what could be lurking around the corner until it was too late. He chose to think there would always be a way out as long as he never stopped trying. Zack chose this false happiness as a way to cope while helping others even though he had his own struggles, and he tried hard not to think of the negative aspects surrounding him when others knew he should have paid more attention to them instead.

In the end, it had all came crashing down faster than he could have imagined. In the span of seven days all of the negativity that had accumulated came crashing in, and Zack just couldn’t find the way out. From the initial pain at the loss of a loved one to the sting of betrayal from a comrade, confusion made it impossible for him to get away in time. And before he could even try to run through the fog it was already too late. He was already caught.

Now that he’s here, Zack spends a lot of time just thinking. He would have done things a little differently had he known he’d be spending his transitioning years into adulthood locked away from the world and tied down under luminescent lights, with scalpels clawing into his skin and his sanity slowly bleeding out onto a cold metal table.

Later, when these thoughts start to spiral out of control and he can’t stop the darkness from sweeping in, he’ll blame himself. He doesn’t blame Hojo for taking advantage of the failure at Nibelheim, and he surely doesn’t blame Cloud. Hell, he doesn’t even blame Sephiroth. Zack, in the end, is his own downfall.

Because Zack is the optimist, albeit a naïve one. He’s used to being an overly affectionate and accepting individual who doesn’t take the time to think things through. He’s too easy going, always trying to deflect the bad and fill himself with only the good. He’s always the first to invade someone’s personal space to create some kind of connection he can count on later, and always ready to outstretch his hand if someone near him needs to take it.

He is the most energized when he’s the center of attention in this way. Being able to give affection and receiving it in return is something Zack’s core thrives on. Touching, feeling, being close to someone else. It means he has others he can rely on, and others who will want to stay with him even when times get rough. Connections means he will always have someone to talk to. It means he’ll never have to be alone.

He’s not used to having mental breakdowns over something as silly as not being to sit beside someone, or craving the simple touch of a handshake. It’s a harsh reality to deal with in the beginning.

He’s missed the warm feeling a hug brings, yearning for that comforting closeness of pulling another body close to him and just being able to hold their bodies together. He misses the way different bodies feel different against his, and the way different people produce different reactions to his touch. Zack enjoys them all, always looking for ways to grab someone’s attention and hold it there.

But under Hojo he might as well be a glorified paperweight. Zack had spent many of those days when he’d been put away from view locked in a cell with no means of communication, just talking to himself and trying to remember what it felt like not to feel so hollow inside.

He’s deprived of that attention in those years. His insides began to wilt with the want of someone else there beside him the more he was left to his own devices. He became anxious when he wasn’t within the scope of either Hojo or his assistants’ presence, and even more so when he was out of Cloud’s. In time, under the heavy surveillance he knew Hojo could tell.

Zack would try to keep his voice steady and ask to see Cloud like he usually did, his excuse being that he needs to know that he was alright. Because friends look out for one another. They watch each other’s backs. Zack and Cloud were in this together. It’s only right that Zack, being the older of the two, took it upon himself to look after his younger friend.

But when Hojo allowed them to be together he’d find himself properly invading Cloud’s personal space, and refused to move until they were forced apart. He’d bring Cloud as close to him as he could while he bombarded him with personal questions about what’s been done to him and what he can do to help. Cloud had kept his timid nature throughout, even through Zack’s incessant prodding and especially when Zack held him. Once Cloud had jokingly tried to refer to Zack’s overprotectiveness as something akin to his mother. It only resulted in Cloud going suddenly silent and trying to hide himself against Zack for the remainder of their visit.

Zack’s hands were always trying to bring Cloud closer when they were together, and Cloud slowly grew out of his timid tendencies the longer they were down in the catacombs of that basement laboratory. Zack would card his fingers through his hair and hold him close while Cloud picked at his newly garnered incision wounds and Zack would remind him that they’ll get out eventually. Zack wouldn’t let them die down there and wither away without purpose like the other bodies they’d seen piled up in the cages. And Cloud believed him.

Being with Cloud became a fast cure for his depression and anxiety from being stuck alone, but it had never lasted long. Zack took full advantage when they were together despite how their cuddling might look to those bothering to pay attention. He knew that when their time was up he would have to be alone again.

On the days where they were separated for too long, Zack felt the glass bubble in his mind protecting him from his fears gradually crack under the pressure. Almost two years went by before his connection to reality started to slip. Being held captive had been more normal at this point, and Zack started to forget more of what life was like outside this realm of pain. The dignity he used to have slipped on occasion, where he would begin to break and plead to see Cloud, screaming out his name until Hojo either gave in or had him sedated. Sometimes Hojo rejected the pleas, other times he allowed it. Mostly, Hojo just sounded curious.

“Is it out of fear of being alone, or concern for Specimen C that brings you to ask?” Hojo would ask, all the while with that eerily sadistic undertone hidden behind that crooked smile of his. “The reoccurring data from your past DMV results suggest that while the two of you do indeed have a connection, it’s not as intimate as your actions suggest.”

The implication hit Zack in the gut and left him mute for days after that. Zack did truly worry for Cloud. He really did care. Cloud had filled some unknown void in him after Angeal had died, and Zack had honestly felt good calling Cloud his friend. He enjoyed the company Cloud brought just as much as the attention he gave. And Cloud had started to look up to him, something that made Zack feel grateful for. It gave him purpose back then, a reason to keep striving to be a hero.

But under Hojo, Zack was forced to realize that it wasn’t completely selfless to want to see Cloud. It wasn’t always because he wanted to make sure he was doing alright under the experiments, or because he wanted to help. And as the months progressed, Zack knew damn well that what he felt wasn’t quite what it should have been. Attached a little too much in the wrong kind of way, maybe. But attached none the less.

He tried to stuff down the guilt burning a hole in his chest when Hojo would actually grant him the privilege and let the two of them be together. Because when they were together, Zack and Cloud being usually separated by thick bars but still able to touch, all Zack could think about was how relieved he was not to be alone. A selfishness he could never admit, especially as his friend’s health slowly deteriorated. Zack would find Cloud falling apart mentally and physically, reaching out willingly for whatever comfort Zack could bring to him. Even then when Zack was trying to embrace him and Cloud was crying against the bars that separated them all Zack could think about was how he was going to cope if Hojo ended up killing Cloud.

Cloud had been his only reprieve in those years. He was the only one to truly acknowledge Zack, and the only one who Zack felt calm with. And Hojo had taken full advantage, just like Zack had with Cloud. If Zack was good, and played nice while Hojo did what he wanted to Zack’s body and mind, Hojo would allow Zack to spend time with Cloud. Zack could talk to someone else and find some sense of normalcy then and, if Zack was _really_ good, Hojo would put them in the same cell.

The years where Cloud was still coherent were some of Zack’s fondest memories, when they were together between treatments and Cloud would be curled up in his lap. Gradually, it had begun to feel like he belonged in Zack’s arms. He’ll never be able to forget how good it always felt having Cloud so close against the chill of the rest of the world. So unreserved, and so inviting. Cloud had never pushed him away, only buried his head in the crook of Zack’s neck and hid his expression. He never complained. He absorbed all the affection Zack could give. And on the heavier days where the mako and scalpels bit into his skin a little too harshly, where Cloud sat beside Zack broken and helpless, Zack felt he was the only thing keeping Cloud alive. And maybe, it was. For the both of them.

Zack would spend hours then just holding Cloud as close as he could and letting his presence soothe the darkness threatening to consume him. His excuse was always that he was relieved to see Cloud alright.

It felt disconnected though as time progressed, even to Zack’s ears. Because he sometimes said it when Cloud didn’t question why he held on so tightly, and on days where Cloud was so sick from the mako and so in pain from the botched experimentation that he was virtually unconscious.

It’s only when the treatments and experimentation got more extensive, where Cloud started to drown under the thick waves of poison and prodding, that Zack starts to feel that desperation start to really consume him. The world Zack had been forced to live in became colder when Hojo had Cloud whisked away to somewhere Zack couldn’t immediately follow. And only when Cloud finally stopped responding completely, and when Zack’s creeping insanity finally caused his vocal cords to lock up, had Hojo truly left them alone.

It was a hiatus of sorts that somehow felt more painful than all the waiting in solitude. Floating away in those mako tanks and flitting through fever dreams is how Zack remembers his loneliness the most after that. Tossed aside and forgotten. Only out of their glass cages long enough to be fed and have their vitals taken. Then back in to wade and rot away. The cycle had been excruciatingly hopeless.

And slowly, the months had dragged on like that. As the periods of silence he was forced to endure expanded, Zack had felt a quiet kind of desperation build in his consciousness the more he was isolated. Zack’s sanity began to trickle out into that cold, cold reality.

He doesn’t feel the change as it happens, little by little, and day by day. He doesn’t remember the day his consciousness shifted and his thoughts began to change for the worst, or the way his own sense of self seemed to split at the seams. But he did notice that something began to hurt. And it never stopped hurting. The constant ache in his chest and the quiet need for comfort from someone else’s warmth slowly consumed him. He tried to remain strong, as he had tried so many times before.

But it backfired in the end. It drove him farther from his former self until his thoughts ruptured. As such, on a day he barely remembers, something in Zack’s mind finally just snapped.

He doesn’t remember well what happened after waking up in his assigned tank that day. He remembers seeing one of the aide’s blurry figures in front of his tank and how the mako stung inside his skin while he floated there. He even remembers the muddled hissing of air pushing bubbles up past his face, and the feeling of the viscous liquid tugging down into the vent under his feet as it drained from the tank.

He doesn’t remember, however, what possessed him to lash out so suddenly that day. On unsteady feet he had wobbled, then so suddenly had the feeling of someone else’s jaw bone cracking under the strength of his fist been registered. He doesn’t remember actually watching the aide fall, but Zack has a snapshot of the man on the ground pinned to the back of his mind. He remembers the thick smell of copper in the air and the dark smear of red over his knuckles. Blood on the glass and blood on the panel of the mako tank next to his, where his shaking fingers had smashed into the buttons and slipped against the slickness. Zack still remembers the feeling of looking up at that tank and how intense his emotions had felt.

Cloud’s tank. Even though his vision had been tunneling under the adrenaline and lingering effects of mako, he’d known. Emotions he hadn’t remembered a name for circled his thoughts until they caught in his throat, but it hadn’t stopped his trembling fingers from clawing their way to get to Cloud. The constant thumping in his ears from the rush had made his limbs feel numb, he remembers. Zack had no other thoughts aside from Cloud then. He’d just reacted on impulse, riding the waves of adrenaline as they came and went. Cloud. He had to get to Cloud. And he’d needed to do it fast.

When Cloud’s body had finally been within his reach, Zack had felt the spark of something solid and _thriving_ in the pit of his stomach the moment their personal spaces collided. His senses had come back to him in that moment, slowly. Only when Cloud had been back in his arms did the darkness start to ebb away.

Cloud’s body limp against his but still alive, still warm and still there. Cloud’s skin against his. It was the heat from someone else being so close, and the sound of someone else’s heartbeat that had helped to snap him out of his delusions. Zack couldn’t help that he’d felt nothing but an immense sense of relief at the contact.

The memory Zack has of the blood spread over his knuckles that had stained the tips of Cloud’s overgrown hair when Zack moved to curl his fingers over a few loose strands is something Zack still thinks about. The heavy, acrid scent of mako that came off Cloud’s skin in waves. Zack had known then, without a doubt, that he must have smelled the same. One of the effects of being submersed in the stuff for so long.

But Cloud had looked so frail then, more so than Zack. They’d spent an ungodly amount of time in those tanks without any time to keep their muscles conditioned like they used to be. Along with the scent of it, it had their muscles heavily atrophied. But Zack hadn’t felt as weak as Cloud looked. So small and so fragile, his body enhanced from all the mako but so pliant in Zack’s arms. It made him look extremely ill.

Zack had felt something dark and treacherous slowly creeping in to his senses since that moment, the feeling coming over him randomly like a candle flickering at the back of his mind. It was different from the anxious desperation he’d felt for so long.

It was warning and temptation all in one and Zack didn’t know what he was supposed to do with it when he looked at Cloud. It worried Zack at first, a low thrum of excitement hovering just beneath it whenever the feeling overtook him. But Zack didn’t pause long enough to truly see the warning signs. He chose to wade in it instead and revel in the deep seeded comfort of just being able to touch Cloud again, to have him close.

Zack’s mind had somehow found its way back into that false sense of security where he could toss his fears of being alone to the side. He had Cloud still, after all that had happened. And he vowed to never let that change, refusing to go back to that terrifying void Hojo had placed him in.

Ever the optimist and ever the king of turning a blind eye to the negativity surrounding him, he’d been convinced Cloud was the only one left with a cracked consciousness. Even after they’d somehow managed to crawl out of that basement. They were forced to stay put while Zack rested off the remains of his illness brought on by the extended exposure to mako, but even after that Zack still remained oblivious.

Zack was mobile and Zack was awake. Zack had his memories and knew the difference between his nightmares and reality. He’d been able to shake the mako much better than Cloud had, and won’t have to face the lasting effects in the future, right? He’d been so sure then, he’ll be fine. They both will.

But it’s a slow poison that grips him just under the radar of his senses, one that he didn’t feel seeping in straight away. And even then, after it’s sewn itself into his thoughts faster than he can register, he still fails to realize what it means.

He’d turned a blind eye for the sake of his own comfort. He hadn’t realized how fractured his sanity actually was by the time they’d limped out from the nightmare of Nibelheim. But the cut was too deep to leave unattended. And Zack didn’t even feel himself bleeding out.

He preferred to live more in the moment and toss the rest aside when he could. He could deal with the rest later as long as it didn’t hinder him right then and there. He didn’t do well with plans. But once they were out and officially on their own, it began to dawn on Zack that maybe he should have taken the time to think about it instead.

The days were trying right from the start. The extra weight at Zack’s hip and against his side was hard to deal with under the weakness of his already under-conditioned state. Having Cloud pulled tight against him may have felt like sunshine against his face even on a rainy day, but it didn’t stop his muscles from aching. Zack struggled with even short distances in the beginning. He tried not to complain openly, and he tried not to let the wear and tear on his body show too much.

He constantly thought about Cloud listening in. He didn’t want Cloud to have to hear him complaining when Zack had already chosen this path for them as though it was the easiest thing to do. He didn’t want Cloud to feel bad about Zack having to carry him when he was clearly struggling to, or that Cloud might turn out to be an unworthy hinderance he shouldn’t be trying to save. Somewhere inside that mako induced prison was his friend. Unresponsive, yes, but alive. And now the only other human on the whole damn planet who could sympathize with him. There could never be another who would be able to share a connection like this with him now. It had to be Cloud.

So, Zack tried to remain his optimistic self. Cloud would get better. Then that dark and festering feeling prodding at the back of his skull would flicker out and they could get better _together_.

It’s hard at first, but he tries to focus on the little things instead of the bleak ones. The little beads of opulence that keep Zack from ending them both when the days get too tough and Zack feels like there just might be no way out for them.

Like Cloud’s eyes. Although they’re half blocked by his eyelids and mostly unfocused, Zack still likes to look at them when they have a moment to rest. They’ve changed now from the gentle blue he remembers. They used to remind him of the clear blue sky on a warm summer day. The sharp lime green ring of mako around his pupils should have sullied the quietness Zack remembers seeing in them, but he finds himself delighted in how it illuminates the blue behind it instead.

And now that he’s allowed himself to truly look at them, Zack often finds himself staring. It’s mostly when he’s feeding Cloud, and mostly after the sun has started setting. It’s the perfect excuse to drown himself in those eyes and forget their combined troubles.

Zack never feels like he’s intruding on anyone’s personal space when he fixates on Cloud’s eyes. He never feels like he needs an excuse for it either, or that Cloud’s going to wake up and berate him for doing it. Zack feels like he knows Cloud well enough that he wouldn’t mind. He’d probably just flush in embarrassment at the specific attention, but let Zack carry on. Kid never could take a compliment. But, that’s also why Zack enjoyed dishing out so many to him.

Zack still does it, even now with the way Cloud is. He compliments Cloud even though he knows he’ll likely not get a response. He might get a few sounds out of him, but not much else. Cloud still has the motor skills to speak, but what he’s actually able to get out doesn’t make much sense anymore. Not after all that Hojo’s done to him. It’s a far cry from the memory of Cloud Zack’s got tucked inside his mind.

But this Cloud isn’t completely silent either. He makes sounds, mostly, groaning out garbled words and syllables just enough that it grabs Zack’s attention. He gets enough sound out that Zack can tell whether he’s in pain or not, hungry, or other. He’s still in there somewhere, and Zack never lets himself forget it.

But Cloud can’t talk to him like he used to. He can’t help the process of their escape back to Midgar either, no matter how badly Zack prays for it. It tears at his heart as the days go by. Zack has to do it all to keep them out of Shinra’s scope, and he does it all while trying to keep them both alive. It can be difficult at times.

For example, staying alive requires food, which can be tricky when you don’t have the best tools or resources to host even two full meals a day. And that’s just for one person. Zack has to provide for two. He doesn’t care much for what or how much he eats himself as long as his stomach stops hurting and he has enough energy to keep them moving. But it’s different for Cloud. He has to search longer for the foods that are going to be easier for Cloud to get down and keep down. And Cloud isn’t awake enough to give him any suggestions. It can be a bit of a chore. Especially when the terrain is rough and the weather refuses to cooperate.

And then there’s actually eating the food. Cloud’s body doesn’t always get the cues he needs to eat properly, and his mind doesn’t always register when there is something in his mouth and what he should do with it. Cloud will tend to sit there with food in his mouth for hours if he’s left to himself. He can be a rather hopeless case at times, but Zack tries to find ways to help the both of them cope.

It’s a lot less stressful if Zack hand-feeds him, with the food between Zack’s fingers and Zack’s fingers spreading the taste over Cloud’s tongue. The feeling of something weighted and moving in his mouth and against the back of his tongue is enough for Cloud’s body to react. Zack is grateful for that. Most days when Zack feeds him Cloud eats well.

That’s not saying there isn’t issues Zack’s had to figure out. Biting is one of them. Or rather, lack thereof. Getting Cloud to swallow his food is one thing, but trying to cause a reflexive bite is another. Cloud’s jaw is mostly slack even on the easier days, and even with something in his mouth it doesn’t help much. Cloud doesn’t usually bite down so much as his jaw just goes with the motions Zack guides him through.

Zack has to feed him in small bites that Cloud is able to swallow whole, since it’s the less complicated option. Sometimes adding water into the mix helps as well, especially when the food isn’t as moist and sits dryly against Zack’s fingers. It’s a time-consuming process. All of it is.

Zack will keep Cloud propped against whatever the terrain can provide them and takes the time to break each bite down with his own fingers. He lets Cloud know each time he brings his fingers to his mouth, and tells him each time he’s doing a good job of listening. It makes Zack feel good when he’s pampering Cloud, like it’s something he needed all along to feel whole. But there’s darker, more teasing undertones that are sometimes hard to ignore while he’s feeding Cloud.

Sometimes, like when Cloud decides it’s the perfect time to be a vocal mess instead of trying to help Zack during their meals. It makes Zack feel strange, having his fingers stuffed inside Cloud’s mouth while he’s groaning out a mix of quivering noises and unintelligible words.

The soft sound of Cloud’s voice in those moments does something awful to Zack when he least expects it. Just like when he wakes up next to Cloud and feels nothing but warmth inside his chest at the sight. He’ll hug Cloud just as he would before their stay at the mansion, but now it’s peppered with innocent little kisses here and there against Cloud’s exposed skin. Zack can’t deny it does feel different now. Cloud doesn’t pull away, just as it used to be, but something inside Zack has already changed through their interactions. He’s too content with having Cloud all to himself and without anyone’s interference that he refuses to acknowledge what’s really began between them. That, and what’s changed inside himself that will only worsen the longer he chooses to ignore it.

And then, on the days where Zack struggles the most emotionally, the darkness in his mind will flare up and remind him of just how badly he wants to feel Cloud reach out and hug him instead of Zack always being the one to initiate it. It starts to tell Zack other things as well, like how much better his aching heart will feel if he simply tilts his head forward while they’re lying down for the night and lays his mouth over Cloud’s skin. No one is there to watch what they do, and it’s not like his friend is exactly complaining over Zack’s doting nature.

But those are thoughts that just lead to…much darker thoughts that Zack isn’t used to dealing with. Those are thoughts Zack isn’t quite alright with having roll around in his head unattended. It makes his already trying days worse. But Zack tries to keep his thoughts centered to the tasks he sets for himself instead and take it all in stride. He assumes an imbalance of his hormones from all the experiments and his pent-up sexual inactivity over the years, combined with his lack of intimate human contact are to blame for those days. That and he only has Cloud for company these days.

He tries to assuage the situation before it gets out of hand every time he starts to feel strange, walking just out of Cloud’s view far enough that he can pleasure himself without subjecting Cloud to it and release some of the tension. It helps to clear his head some, for what it’s worth. It doesn’t stop the darkness from whispering in his ear though, much to his discomfort.

It had all started off innocently enough. The way they had to live isn’t much different from the way they have to live now. The terrain is the only main changing feature, aside from the seasons that come and go.

It doesn’t take long for things to begin to change though. Day by day the poison sinks into Zack’s thoughts along with their daily struggles and his budding frustrations, and day by day Zack doesn’t realize what it’s doing to him.

Again, slowly, Zack’s focus starts to shift to wanting a deeper connection. Tension starts to build at the base of Zack’s skull when he looks at Cloud, just like before when him and Cloud were reunited. Zack finds himself watching more closely to how Cloud’s muscles react when Zack touches them. He starts to notice more in how different the tones in their skin are while they wade in waist deep water to bathe, and how little body hair Cloud has and in which places he has the most. He pays special attention to watching how Cloud eats especially, seemingly fixated in everything that Cloud has to offer.

Zack’s got no real incentive for watching Cloud, especially while he’s feeding him. His mind feels nothing except empty, but he does notice he’s more interested in the finer details surrounding it. Each time he tips Cloud’s head back to help him swallow he watches the muscles in his throat contract and release. Zack has no ulterior motive, just that he likes to watch him. He recognizes that much. It’s a strange feeling that starts to settle in his chest these days. Something within that darkness, and something bordering on the desperation he was more used to feeling in the previous years.

Somewhere down the line, Zack starts to feel the tunnel vision creeping back, and the darkness under his thoughts burn brighter inside his mind. He starts to feel things more intensely than he had previously, and starts yearning more for Cloud to respond. Zack starts spending more time alone with his own hands over his own body until he’s clamoring for release, fighting off images of a familiar face and too-blue eyes that all but consume him now. Things start to go downhill from there, when his own excuses don’t even sound logical to him anymore.

Zack tries to drown out the unfamiliarity of it all by talking to Cloud more frequently. He thinks maybe it will calm his racing heart the more the both of them go back to the way they used to be. But Cloud is still unable to properly communicate even after months of being on the run. And Zack starts to feel that same anxious loneliness from before settling back into his lungs like a cold in winter, harsh and unforgiving. He starts to see things in a darker light the more his psyche cracks. He allows things to happen he normally wouldn’t even when he knows he shouldn’t. He allows himself to do things he thinks he might have never done before if only for the temporary relief it provides from his own anxious heart.

He doesn’t know how many times he’s hand-fed Cloud by the time their connection finally shifts. Thousands of times at least. But by then, Zack’s state of mind has already begun to feel altered. Something in the atmosphere of feeding Cloud just changes.

Maybe because Cloud is so accommodating and welcoming to all of him. Could be that Zack just misses the intimate contact of someone else and the conversation. Or maybe because when they’re done, Cloud sits still and lets Zack card his fingers through his hair and wipe his face clean of the remaining mess. Zack sees moments like this as though it were something precious, just between the two of them.

It used to bring Zack reassurance and comfort, caring for Cloud. But after a while, the one-sided conversations and lack of affectionate reciprocation just makes Zack feel even more apprehensive. His mind begins to crave more than what he’s already got. There’s a hole in his chest that Cloud used to fill, but now it feels like the hole is just emptying out again. Zack’s soul is desperate to regain the comfort.

Zack’s hands linger longer over Cloud’s skin now when Zack bathes them. It helps to fill the hole in his heart enough to be a sufficient band aid. It’s more intimate than the relationship they used to have, but it calms Zack enough that he doesn’t stop to ponder it. It’s all just empty thoughts and mindless touching that are nothing but innocently in awe. It’s just Zack smiling over the differences in Cloud in the before and after and making sure his fingers don’t linger too long over areas his mind is more curious over.

They sleep tucked away from prying eyes with Zack curling himself around Cloud’s body and draped over him. It doesn’t matter what the position is, just that Zack’s hands make sure there’s nothing that can separate them while he’s unaware. He doesn’t fall asleep until he can feel Cloud’s heartbeat echoing his, and then he’ll nuzzle his nose into the nape of Cloud’s neck and yearns with everything he is that Cloud would at least acknowledge the effort of his care.

He sinks himself into the new, more intimate routine and forgets to ask himself what it is they’re becoming. He also forgets to remind himself that he’s beginning to wander into territory that his friend cannot comply to.

And that’s when the scales dip. Unlike when Zack is cleaning the both of them and letting his hands wander over Cloud’s skin, feeding Cloud is already intimate in the act itself. It breeds nothing but disaster at the tail end of Zack’s crumpling sanity.

His fingers linger longer inside Cloud’s mouth when he feeds him now. Even after the food is gone and Cloud’s already swallowed and Zack has no real reason to keep his fingers there. They stray back to stroke at the soft bumps at the back of Cloud’s tongue, always a gentle touch but also one that Zack cannot get enough of.

The fact that Cloud doesn’t gag around his fingers is something he notices a lot more now too. As though Cloud is trying to welcome him inside, trying to bait Zack’s need for attention. And now when Cloud groans around the fingers creeping down into his throat, Zack finds himself swallowing instead.

It’s a dark and dirty little game Zack’s mind has come up with for them to play, and Zack unknowingly allows it to happen. He traces the pads of his fingers over Cloud’s back teeth and tongue and praises the fact that Cloud doesn’t have that reflexive bite he used to fret over. Then he’ll apply enough pressure to Cloud’s tongue and slips his fingers back inch by inch until Cloud tries to swallow them down.

Zack mirrors what he likes to do when they bathe, where he traces the muscles lining Cloud’s arms while he gives Cloud’s stomach time to digest what he’s already eaten. He feels no less dirty for it after. He massages his hands over Cloud’s neck and collarbone, resting his hands there while he just stares at the sight of naked skin and how his hands look over it. If Cloud ever asks him why he does any of it he’ll have his say about wanting to make sure Cloud is comfortable and alright, and that he’s warm and well taken care of. Zack is just trying to be a good nurturer. For now, it’s almost believable.

When Zack feeds him again, with two fingers inside Cloud’s mouth he’ll stretch them out and glide along the sides of Cloud’s tongue in between each bite. Zack lets his fingers play in the trails of saliva that spill over Cloud’s lower lip and chin when he gets restless enough. All the while Cloud never complains or pushes him away. It makes it harder for Zack to resist or find fault in his actions. He knows somewhere in the back of his mind that whatever this is that’s started isn’t what should be happening considering their recent timeline, but there’s also nothing there telling him it shouldn’t be happening.

There’s still a large part of Zack that sees Cloud as coherent, just different. But he’s still Cloud. Zack puts his hands on Cloud and his mind will remind him that he’s never pushed back before, that he’s silently allowing Zack to be this affectionate and close. That’s how Cloud was, before Hojo got ahold of him.

Maybe sometimes Zack just forgets all that’s happened. Maybe he blocks it all out like a bad memory and sinks himself into something that hurts a lot less to focus on. He doesn’t know. He never thinks about it for too long to notice anything wrong.

But feeding time is where Zack always loses the battle anymore. The darkness always wins the second his fingers are inside and the voice starts whispering again. He’s still too focused on trying to weed out the negative thoughts that he doesn’t even realize how much control he’s letting slip. He doesn’t realize how his need for Cloud has shifted, or even how sensual he acts with Cloud now.

All Zack can register now when he’s feeding Cloud is _warmth_. The thumping in his ears echo the darkness in his mind that’s consuming him. It’s becoming a thick fog the longer Zack lets it fester. Zack’s fingers dance over Cloud’s tongue like it’s a courtship these days.

He only really needs two fingers to feed Cloud, aided with his thumb on occasion. But it’s become an easy pleasure to indulge in, to ease them back into Cloud’s throat whenever he feels the urge arise, until Zack feels the strain in his knuckles against Cloud’s teeth. Cloud never resists, and he never tries to pull away. He lets Zack reach in with only a half-hearted groan on occasion, muscle memory to the intrusion perhaps, to Zack’s probing fingers and places his trust in him to take care with his insides.

The inside of Cloud’s mouth is always a warm welcome against Zack’s itching fingers, wet with saliva and so pliant that feeding time quickly becomes Zack’s favorite part of the day. It’s an easy solution to staving off the bad thoughts.

Soon enough, Zack’s gloves come off even before he’s seated Cloud and propped him up. Really, he should have saw it coming. The day when he finally let it go too far, when he let the darkness take over and forgot to remember just _why_ Cloud never resisted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack can't stop himself from slipping further under the veil of darkness that's consuming him from the inside. In his longing for Cloud to recognize him, he starts to drown under the more intimate path and focuses too much on how it blankets the pain before he can realize what he's doing...

The darkness that’s been plaguing Zack’s mind takes advantage and makes a home inside his thoughts while his anxiety is too high and his guard is down, where it nestles in and starts to blend within his thoughts until Zack can no longer tell the difference. The darkness starts to feel more like a home he’s become familiar with than an unwelcomed guest. That, and his thoughts no longer sound like an intruder’s distant echo.

The more Zack struggles to keep his head above the tides and the longer he has to feel disconnected from the normalcy of the mundane life he’d used to live before Nibelheim, the more he finds himself giving in.

The comfort he once felt from having his hands innocently over Cloud begins to feel more like an enticing chill against his skin. After a while, a tempting warmth begins to blossom from inside his ribs to pool between his hips. It only grows more intense the more they touch, and the more Zack lets the simple intimacy slip into something less innocent.

Zack has already begun to feel like he needs more to feel whole and secure by the time the voices stop. More than what Cloud has already given him. Cloud’s presence soon becomes more like a doll Zack is dragging around as a crutch, and less like the lifeline Zack needs to carry on. It spurs on the desperation building in his psyche.

The slow thrum of intimacy they have going between them has since lost its edge Zack used to rely on. Without Cloud being able to actively participate and return the sentiment, all it does is bring Zack back to that pit of despair he tries so hard to forget. The tremendous weight of feeling hollow and alone sinks further inside where he can’t get to. It only reminds him of Hojo, needles, and a blinding pain he’s unable to escape from.

Nothing Zack does seems to help once the anxiety of that feeling makes itself known. Not even masturbation helps anymore. It’s a temporarily release to ease the tension in his body and lessen the building pressure in his head, but nothing more.

His mind starts suggesting different ways he can find comfort in Cloud’s presence, then. What he’s allowed himself so far is a fine patch for the pain that flares up inside and gives him enough to try and put the broken pieces of himself back together.

But there are better ways to cool down the burning ache in his chest if he’s willing to let himself dig just a little deeper. Just a little further into the darkness where he doesn’t have to think, until his body lights up and the pain shifts under it and disappears. Zack’s mind is too drained to fight off the influx of thoughts that start to circle their relationship after that.

Filthy, _awful_ thoughts start to cross his mind then. It makes his heart race with anticipation at the suggestions. And this time there is no noise to rupture the calm. Not at least while he’s got his hands on Cloud. It’s a wonderful way to escape in the moments where he feels the weakest.

His optimism blinds him yet again in thinking he can help himself, still clinging to the thought that he can pull through with his strength alone. But his mind has become weaker than his body. It’s something Zack never saw coming and never feels, and it’s something that keeps taking advantage of a blind spot he’ll never be able to defend.

Zack starts to spend more time away from Cloud just to try and soak himself in the feeling of pleasure to forget the ache of his loneliness. When he curls a gloved fist over the trembling pulse in his erection and abuses himself rougher than he ever has in the past he’s able to forget, if only for that moment, how much it hurts inside just to wake up to each new day with Cloud against him and still have to feel alone.

It used to feel like a dirty pleasure to see a haze of blue-green eyes and sickly pale skin behind his own fluttering eyelids the longer he edged himself. That’s quickly erased with each time he touches himself, and each time he climbs closer and closer to climaxing. In its place is a budding desire to somehow bring those eyes closer, to feel that skin against him and paint it with an even brighter shade than Cloud’s skin.

Zack becomes too familiar with the scenery of Cloud in his mind as his orgasm hits, and forgets to know what it feels like to feel almost embarrassed by wanting more. Cloud is all he has now, but it never feels like it’s enough anymore.

It makes him feel almost manic with a need for something he can’t quite figure out, but it’s something that he feels like he needs to calm this never-ending quake in his heart.

It’s nearly nine long months in on their journey across the continent to Midgar. Zack is willing to do almost anything just to keep his chest from aching. He isn’t aware of when he’d stopped fretting so much over his own actions when they surrounded Cloud. He doesn’t know when he decided that indulging here and there in something that used to feel strange isn’t something to fear now.

All he knows now is that he’s exhausted from fighting against it for so long, and the closer to Cloud he can get the more reassured he feels that he’s still alright. That he’s still the same person he used to be, and that nothing’s changed aside from how they have to live now.

It’s like a fuse that slowly short-circuits inside his mind. Trying to set him alight and burn him alive, but leaving enough of a cooldown behind that Zack is able to smile even after a difficult day and keep up the façade without feeling broken. Always for Cloud. Because Zack needs him to survive. Without him and the deep seeded connection they’re making along the way, Zack would be empty.

He’s reminded of that each time he lays his hands over Cloud’s body and feels a smile tug at his lips. He feels it like an old routine he can sink his worries into when his body is wrapped around Cloud’s and no words are needed for Zack to feel safe.

Carrying Cloud across the terrain is still rough, and only gets rougher as the days continue. But Zack knows without a doubt that he wouldn’t have been able to make it this far on his own. Not without Cloud by his side. He tries to be optimistic.

So, here they are. It’s a dreary and cloudy day and the world around them is thick with moisture. Zack feels his resolve teetering on the edge of his breaking point from the moment he wakes up.

It’s a day that follows a frustrating three-day long front of rain and thunderstorms. And it’s after three days of struggling against the elements and fighting fatigue, and three days of agonizing over finding them enough food and adequate shelter to help them wait out the storm. He’d managed somehow to keep them alive and safe, but it left him feeling exhausted. 

He’d taken them across the plains just before the start of the storm, hoping to make it to the other side where he knew, from past experience, they would find a meadow they could lay low in. But he’d underestimated how heavily the rain would fall and how long it would continue for. That’s not counting the first day, where they’d narrowly missed a bolt of lightning while passing a sulking tree.

It’s still early in the morning and Cloud’s boots constantly get stuck in the thick muck in the aftermath of the storm. They’re dirty and they’re damp from days of rain and unfavorable terrain. It only adds to the tension Zack woke up with, with stiff joints and sore muscles from days of travel and little to no rest.

It takes every shred of sanity Zack has left while he’s struggling to keep both of them moving just to keep himself from flinging them both to the ground like a petulant child. It’s much harder to try and pull Cloud along today, and it’s wearing Zack down quicker than he expects it to.

Zack is still fighting to keep himself upright, his legs shaking under the pressure and his arms are so sore that he fears he’s going to drop Cloud at any moment. He’s trying his best to get them out of the open, but having to trudge through the same mud Cloud is dragging his boots in has a fresh bout of irritation bubbling to the surface of his skin.

He wants to scream so badly he can taste the tension. He wants to call it quits and let himself break down, let himself cry out of the sheer frustration of it all. But all his mind will allow is a series of grunts while he pushes himself to keep going. He’s still trying hard to make sure Cloud won’t feel bad for it. And that adds to the pressure he feels inside.

He’s forced to keep up the optimism if only for Cloud’s sake. He has to smile and he has to keep going for Cloud. If Zack doesn’t give up Cloud will be alright. They’ll make it as long as Zack doesn’t stop. Then Zack will be able to rest. He won’t have to feel like he’s being held down by the very person he’s trying to save, and then he’ll surely be rewarded by Cloud finally waking up.

One step at a time. That’s all he needs to focus on.

But he’s already so exhausted. He’s running on empty and losing the battle with each step he takes. Without being able to look for enough food to even keep himself satisfied because of the storm he’d had to prioritize Cloud even more. He’d been too ambitious in thinking they would make it across the plains in time, and now Zack is paying for it. Now that he’s got nothing to go on and fatigue is setting in, having Cloud rest so heavily against him is almost too much.

Zack tries not to think about all the negativity that surrounds their current situation. He tries not to think about how hard it is to be with someone and still have to fight alone. He tries to remember why he’s still fighting, and who he’s still fighting for.

_I got it. Just keep going. Don’t think about it. We got this, Cloud, c’mon. Just a few more steps. I got us. I got it. I got it, I got it, I fuckin-_

It’s only after the third time the both of them slip within the following hour that Zack finally lets himself surrender. Because this time Zack is too tired to keep them standing. He’s too tired to correct their posture as their boots slide in the mud. They fall rather clumsily, face forward and crooked down onto the ground.

Zack gets his pants and gloves slathered in mud and grass for his efforts, and Cloud gets a face full of it just for following Zack’s stead. Zack curses under his breath when they hit the ground, his frustration mounting in stacks along his spine at the sight of Cloud crumpled at his side in the mud and the grass.

His muscles throb in protest from his spot on his knees, but he tries to ignore the pain. He lifts Cloud’s head up with one hand and uses his other to pull him into a better sitting position. Then he situates himself so that he can pull Cloud to him the best his arms will allow and wipes away as much of the grime as he can from Cloud’s face and bangs. Some of it is already drying on his skin and in his hair, but it’ll have to do for now. At least Cloud’s not eating it.

Cloud’s upper body is wobbling under Zack’s trembling hands. Zack knows too well that Cloud is unable to keep himself upright by himself if Zack’s arms aren’t there to steady him. But Zack is tired. He doesn’t think he’ll get very far if he doesn’t take a minute to rest before getting back up again. His entire body is screaming at him now. He doesn’t think he has the energy to keep holding Cloud up either though.

So, Zack lays his own legs flat to the ground and sits on his butt like a toddler in the mud, pulling Cloud to sit between his legs so that he can lean back against Zack’s chest. Zack lays his chin on the crown of Cloud’s dampened and sullied hair and wraps his arms around his waist to keep him upright instead. As long as Zack applies enough pressure and doesn’t move much Cloud will be able to keep his head forward faced. It’s good enough for the time being, and being this close to Cloud is always a better option no matter the situation.

Unable to keep a small sigh from escaping his lips, Zack gives Cloud’s waist a small squeeze of reassurance. Cloud makes a jumbled and strained noise at that, but Zack knows better than to see it as a response.

“Sorry bud, I’m beat. Just give me a minute to rest, ok?” He hums out in thought, still trying to keep the atmosphere around them light while trying to fight his own negative thoughts. “Not the best day we’ve had, I’ll admit. We’ll be alright though.”

His light-hearted tone quivers under the sour mood he’s trying to hide at his own frustrations for feeling so weak when he knows he needs to be stronger. Mentally and physically. But he won’t allow himself to give in and give up in front of Cloud. He refuses to let Cloud feel bad for any of the repercussions of his own bad decisions.

Zack sits with Cloud in silence after that, not trusting himself to say anything more for a while until he can calm his nerves. He waits with Cloud in his arms, trying to block out his thoughts completely just so that he can enjoy the moment of peace.

Cloud is a warm and welcomed weight against him, all pale limbs and broken vocals and everything Zack has come to enjoy being in the company of. They sit like that in silence with only a few sounds slipping from Cloud’s lips for Zack to bask in. It does wonders for Zack’s muscles to be able to sit like this and just rest, and for a while it’s all he needs.

It doesn’t take long though, after he’s caught his breath and his body starts to feel less like it’s under duress, before his mood dips. He makes the mistake of letting the reality of their situation sink in, and with it an unhealthy tingle of depression follows.

They’re dirty, they’re tired, and they’re hungry. Zack can’t help the thought that it’s his fault. He doesn’t want to believe his bad judgement is to blame, or that he’d been too full of himself before. But he can’t stop the guilt from rising just as he can’t stop his thoughts about Cloud. Zack’s anxiety starts to make itself known at the base of his skull the more he thinks about it. It makes him hold Cloud even tighter.

It’s more for himself than it is for Cloud when he speaks again. “No worries, we’ve been through worse, right?”

If only Cloud would say something, _anything_ , to help bring him out of his own head. That might be enough for Zack to feel alright. But his world is still void of the conversations Zack misses so much, and the vision of Cloud that Zack has come to miss even more.

Cloud makes a quiet moan underneath Zack followed by an involuntary twitch in his hand. But it’s a normal sound and a usual occurrence that Zack is used to when they’re together like this. A false hope that makes Zack’s heart ache when he hears Cloud’s voice.

Cloud’s been more vocal lately, and while the knowledge helps to keep Zack grounded it also puts a brick in the pit of his stomach. Because when Zack looks into Cloud’s eyes, he always waits with bated breath that he’ll see recognition there.

He has yet to find it when he looks at Cloud. And it’s starting to hurt Zack the more he tries, only to fail in the end. His attention goes unnoticed even when he’s speaking to Cloud. And that hurts more than he cares to admit, even to himself.

Maybe, if he can just get Cloud to respond in some kind of way, the tension riding his bones will start to ebb out and leave him be. Sitting here like this is nice, but it doesn’t do much to help him feel less lonely.

He’s so into his own thoughts that he doesn’t realize he’s letting his head rest too heavily over Cloud. He doesn’t feel how much more he’s leaning against Cloud either. He shifts back when his shoulders start to feel like they’re locking up and breathes out to lessen the tightness in his throat his own anxiety is causing him. Cloud’s heads slips from under Zack’s chin then and thumps back against Zack’s shoulder and collarbone, completely lax and too weak to hold itself up.

With the new position of Cloud’s head against him, Zack can hear the next string of incoherent babbling he makes much better. Still nothing worth noting though, and still nothing that’s going to help Zack.

Well, maybe.

Zack shifts again, starting to feel fidgety and uncertain the longer the silence stretches on. His hands start to knead into the fabric over Cloud’s stomach idly. Cloud’s head lolls about to face more towards Zack’s neck, a tiny trapped noise easing out between his parted lips.

Zack tries to keep his heart from awakening at the sound of it. He tries to block it out and remind himself that Cloud is just going through the involuntary motions of his sickness. It’s nothing to get worked up over. But in the end, his willingness to blot out the pain in his heart is his undoing. Zack lets the darkness in the second he feels too caught up in something else.

Another moan escapes Cloud just as Zack thinks he’s about to tumble into his thoughts once again, sounding much higher this time and pitched like a fragile question. If Zack had been sane enough and laden less with tension it might have been an adoring gesture. One that his mind wouldn’t be so keen to think about indecently.

But Zack isn’t ready for what actually happens inside his mind then, while his guard is still down and he’s aching from his loneliness and ready to grab hold of anything Cloud can give. Like wires connecting somewhere inside himself and shutting the rest of his thoughts down, the new tone in Cloud’s voice hits _just_ right.

The burning swell inside Zack returns so suddenly, with a vengeance and without warning that it leaves his heart fluttering helplessly inside his chest. He thinks he blacks out for a moment, his mind unable to register anything but the replay of that sound echoing against the walls inside his mind.

Zack starts to feel that strange sense of temptation itching in his gut the more he hears it loop. Temptation for what, he still doesn’t fully understand. It makes him feel like he’s going insane, his fingers clenching around the fabric of Cloud’s shirt subconsciously while his mind and body begs him to find something to fixate on to ease the pain. Cloud makes another sound at that too, lower than the first but still loud enough in Zack’s ear that it makes him hold his breath.

Zack reacts then, as he’s done in the past when his emotions got to be too much. His hands are moving on their own before he can even process the movement, or do anything to stop himself. Zack pulls at Cloud’s shoulders, tugging him halfway around so that he can look at Cloud’s face and find the reason for the noises. He hopes as he always does he’ll see some spark of recognition there in his eyes, some reason to let him know he isn’t about to go crazy. There’s also some hope that Cloud will have a different expression. One of enjoyment might be nice.

But Cloud’s expression is still blank and lifeless, and Zack’s chest still feels tight and filled with fluid the longer he stares at it.

There’s nothing new for Zack to be excited about, and no apparent reason for Zack to feel so hot under the collar over. That’s not to say the moment goes completely wasted, though. Not with that nagging feeling in the back of his mind trying to drown out everything else but Cloud and that disarming voice of his.

This time, Zack is too tired to fight against himself. His mind goes blank like the darkness surrounding it, and he gives in more instead. He lets himself react to how his body is telling him he needs to cope, and follows it blindly without incentive. He only hopes it will help to close the wound inside him that’s still bleeding out.

Cloud is sitting rather awkwardly now, half on his bottom and twisted at his midsection to face him, making it look like he’s straining to see Zack even though his eyes remain unfazed and unfocused. It looks uncomfortable, but setting Cloud back against him is something that would only make Zack feel even more uncomfortable. It feels useless to go back to that now.

Zack’s already feeling the need to turn Cloud around to face him fully instead of having Cloud’s back to him. He will be able to see Cloud’s expression more clearly that way. He’s too deep into trying to seek out that comfort he so desperately needs that his brain doesn’t think to remind him that he’s beginning to think of Cloud as an object rather than a person when he starts to spiral. At least, while Zack’s stuck here in this moment and pining for Cloud’s attention while getting nothing in return.

His tongue feels oddly thick inside his mouth when he swallows. He feels the sudden compulsion to believe his own voice inside his head, the one that he knows as himself, to touch Cloud again and risk breaking the spell. He’ll ride the impulses and see where it takes him this time.

Right now, with his defenses down, Zack’s just as convinced as his body that this is alright. Cloud never complains. He never rejects Zack. That’s got to mean something good will come out at the end of it, right?

Zack reaches over with a hesitant hand, gently pulling Cloud’s legs from underneath him while making sure he won’t topple over. Cloud still doesn’t react much aside from the usual twitching on contact and a few more unintelligible sounds that Zack immediately tries to drown out.

He tells his mind that Cloud is just as tired as him. He needs the comfort too. That’s why he’s being so vocal. Because Zack can feel Cloud alive inside just as clearly as he can feel the warmth under his skin. Maybe Zack just uses his hands to seek out the comfort, and Cloud uses the only thing he has left that’s available to him. Too bad Cloud doesn’t realize what it does to Zack’s crumbling sanity, if that’s actually the case.

It gives Zack the go ahead he needs to be able to take hold of Cloud’s legs again, one at a time, and drapes them over the sides of his hips. It’s a tricky maneuver even to scoot Cloud closer after that, but worth it once they’re fully face to face with much less space between them. Then, Zack has nothing but approval vibrating inside himself at how comforting it is to have Cloud so close.

One of his hands holds fast at the small of Cloud’s back to keep him steady, while the other dips down to smooth a dirty, gloved palm over the dirty fabric covering Cloud’s thighs. Cloud’s head falls forward against his own chest without support, and Zack gets trapped in the intimacy of how he’s touching Cloud.

They’re close like they are when they sleep, only now it’s with Cloud’s legs limply wrapped around his hips instead. Zack doesn’t have to feel like he has to be the one in control like this. Not completely. The sensation of how good it feels washes over Zack in waves.

Zack’s brain lights up, the warm sensation of Cloud’s body heat that’s enveloping him blanking out all the other negative thoughts. It’s pulling him further down into the dark abyss he knows better than to follow, but the soothing comfort there is far more worth the risk.

He snuffs out the feeling of dread that’s telling him he should stop and abort his actions. That strange spark of temptation and excitement easily wins him over. They’re sliding more into that intimate territory that Zack really doesn’t know how to deal with, but it’s alright. It’s not what he might have labeled as a normal situation before, considering Cloud won’t talk to him and they can’t discuss anything beforehand. But the feeling of Cloud like this has his stomach tight and heavy, and it does the opposite of making himself want to stop. 

Zack tells himself that this is fine. He won’t let whatever this is go too far. Cloud is there before him stretched over his lap and Zack is still longing for any crumbs of comfort he can find. He remembers how much less painful it is to touch Cloud, and how easy it is because Cloud lets him. And once again reminds him of how Cloud has let him before, when his bloodstream wasn’t riddled with poison. He’ll only stray a little, he promises himself.

He should’ve felt wrong to allow it to happen and let himself indulge, but his hands are already betraying him, long before he even tries to find an excuse for it or move away. The hand over Cloud’s thigh massages along the swell of the inner muscles, his thumb rubbing lazy circles over the tendon that sits just a bit lower.

Zack becomes lost to his own emotions then. They sit heavily in his chest while he rubs his hand over the top of Cloud’s thigh and down along the outer side. Zack’s fingers pick at the opening over the pocket in Cloud’s pants as his pulse starts to quicken. He feels the need to touch more than this to feel good, and even more to feel better. This feels nice, but it’s not enough. It’s not what Zack’s heart is aching for anymore.

It’s dangerous territory and vastly different in the sense that Zack has no real reason for touching him this time. They aren’t naked and Zack isn’t trying to get him cleaned up in whatever body of water he can find. Zack certainly isn’t trying to dress him. He’s not trying to drag him along either.

There’s no plausible excuse for how his fingers kneed into the fabric and skin of Cloud’s thighs. There’s no reason he should be sliding them upwards to feel where Cloud’s hipbones should be either, hidden beneath the belts and leather harness. He shouldn’t be wanting to remove said belts and harness, but he can’t deny having that thought either.

He’s doing it because he _wants_ to. No voices telling him what he should do. It’s too late for that. The darkness has already settled in his being, already a part of him and urging him on to find new and better ways to feel alive again.

He can’t deny how much the ache inside him has dulled because of what he’s doing. Touching Cloud feels more like a drug the more he lets himself touch. He’s never completely satisfied with how close they get or what they do, he just keeps upping the dosage when he gets too used to it like he isn’t too far gone to stop.

Had Cloud been awake and the two of them had started this journey together Zack might not feel so frantic to feel something more. Now though, with Cloud’s unresponsive body on him and warm against his own there’s no one to stop him and tell him he’s straying. He has to make those decisions on his own. And with how right this is starting to feel, Zack doesn’t take the time to think about how wrong it actually is.

Zack slides his hand from the small of Cloud’s back, lifting it to cradle the back of Cloud’s neck. He doesn’t know that he’s already pulled his own legs up so that he can sit on his knees, or how in the next moment he’s tipping them forward. He’s got all his senses too focused in on Cloud to notice right away. But he’s changing their position again, and this time it leaves Cloud on his back in the mud and the grass. Zack is hovering over him, on his knees now but with his knees cradling Cloud’s sides, with Cloud’s legs still around his hips.

Zack can’t register any other thoughts then. He only barely recognizes he’s moved them. He’s in awe of what’s before him, staring down in wonderment as one of his hands goes back to rest over Cloud’s hip. The other remains on his thigh where his fingers continue stroking over the fabric. The pose they’re now in is a new one, and the excitement of it gets tangled with the intimacy Zack feels from it. It’s enough to make him feel like he’s drowning.

Cloud’s waist is smaller than Zack’s and petite enough that the gap between his body and the harness could be easily moved if Zack feels the urge to. It only takes a moment to hook his fingers under it, just enough to grab at the fabric underneath. Then he’s tugging Cloud’s tank free from the confines of the belts. The harness is unclipped and set aside, but Zack doesn’t bother with the belts.

He’s letting his mind make the path, the innermost part of himself telling him to touch the expanse of exposed flesh over Cloud’s stomach with each inch that’s uncovered.

Zack removes his soiled gloves and sets them aside, watching in earnest as his fingers slide up under the heavy knitted fabric and ghost over Cloud’s sternum. Cloud makes another sound at that, another stretched out groan of sorts. Zack fights a shiver that runs up his spine at the sound of it, the string of this newfound intimacy starting to make him feel hotter than he should.

The pale skin before him makes his tongue dance behind his teeth, his mind silently urging him to bend down and taste. It doesn’t matter where they are or the fact that they’re covered in dirt and days’ worth of sweat. Zack just wants to feel better, and he’s quickly starting to think the best route for that is by putting his mouth over Cloud and refusing to think about anything else.

Zack’s voice drops an octave when he feels himself speak, and he tries hard to convince himself it’s mostly out of fatigue. He doesn’t feel fatigued though, not anymore. His adrenaline has kicked in too much for that.

“Hey…Cloud?”

No one answers him, as usual. Cloud doesn’t even so much as breathe differently. It’s an awful, deprived feeling that grips him when he sees that Cloud still can’t recognized him. Zack closes his eyes, his hands itching to touch more and desperate to cause a response. He can’t help but let out a whine then, that frantic emotion inside him gnawing deeper at his core the longer Cloud makes him wait.

“Cloud, please. Please wake up.” It’s barely above a whisper. When he opens his eyes, he refuses to look into Cloud’s. He cranes himself over Cloud’s body instead, noting instantly how much better it feels that way. But again, it’s not enough. He gives a gentle shake against Cloud’s waist with both his hands then, a light jostle and nothing more. Cloud’s head rocks with the movement uselessly.

“I need you.” He forgets completely to add the part about needing him to wake up. His mind is already lost to the feeling of needing Cloud as a whole that the words get stuck in his throat.

He wants Cloud to talk to him so badly that he’d willingly bite his own tongue off for it to happen. Not even that much. Zack would accept anything at this point. He’d willingly accept a nonverbal response if it meant Cloud would just lift his head to meet Zack’s eyes. To actually _see_ him for the first time in years. That would be enough for him to feel alright again.

But Zack gets nothing in return. It’s reason enough for both of Zack’s hands to move then, his fingertips sliding up under Cloud’s top to feel the muscle and skin underneath. He doesn’t hear his own words, or how desperate they sound then. His tunnel vision is starting to flicker at the edge of his senses, his self-control wearing thin. “I need you so much.”

He’s delving deeper into the safe and wholesome feeling of touching Cloud. He’s removing Cloud’s armor and dipping down to nuzzle his neck, too concentrated on being so close to him that it doesn’t matter that his hair is getting dirty, or that he’s pushing them further into the unknown. Wordlessly, Zack tips Cloud’s head back to face the sky.

All Zack sees is milky skin that his lips want to feel, and a pulse that thrums within it that Zack wants to feel against his tongue. He doesn’t stop himself from pulling the collar of the turtleneck down, dipping his head down and placing gentle kisses over the side of Cloud’s neck. It feels good, much better than it has in the past. Too good, in fact, that Zack finds himself moaning against Cloud’s skin.

It feels so good that Zack doesn’t question himself when his tongue joins in, his lips and teeth applying enough pressure in between the gentleness of his kisses that there’s surely going to be bruises later. He sucks at Cloud’s skin and allows himself to fall into that false sense of security it brings him.

Cloud’s skin tastes like sweat and Earth and everything that it shouldn’t. But it makes Zack hungry for more, his mind unable to process anything else with his head still empty and his heart still trapped inside the darkness. He’s trapped inside the feeling of being close to Cloud, unable to notice that he’s already gone too far. He still aches for more.

Zack’s breath shudders along red and bruising skin, along with his body when Cloud moans out again. It goes straight to Zack’s head, coaxing him into sucking a tender bruise just under Cloud’s ear. His hand keeps pushing up under the fabric over Cloud’s waist. His fingers slide up, dipping in and over each of his ribs before pausing just under his breastbone. All he can think about is how much more he wants to hear Cloud’s voice, and what he can do to elicit more of it.

Laying flush against Cloud, Zack moves his other hand back down to feel Cloud’s thigh. He gets so caught up in his actions that he doesn’t realize exactly what he’s doing. His lips are leaving a trail of wet kisses along Cloud’s jaw while his hands move over Cloud’s chest and thigh. He’s completely lost to the feeling, his body arching into Cloud’s while his tongue works its way almost to Cloud’s lips. Cloud’s next sound is a drawn out and pitiful whine, elongated by a whimper that dies out under Zack’s heavy breathing.

That’s when Zack finally, _finally_ registers what he’s doing. His whereabouts snap back quicker this time, much quicker than they had when he’d first come out of his mako prison and clobbered the aide coming to feed them back in the mansion.

He pulls away from Cloud slowly as though he’s waking up, hazy confusion making its way to the surface as the fog dissipates from his thoughts.

There’s no denying the strange feeling crawling inside him in the wake of this new kind of intimacy. His actions have gone awry this time, straying from touches that used to feel, to him, friendly and innocent. Now it lingers inside him like an ache he isn’t used to feeling, an intimacy that just leaves him feeling needy and unhinged. His heart is still hammering in his chest.

This is definitely not something he’d ever imagined would happen between himself and Cloud. Call it ignorance, but it takes him by surprise. Not expected, but it’s also a hauntingly enticing idea to be close with Cloud in that regard. If touching Cloud and sharing his affection had made him feel that good, what other things could this new level of intimacy hold?

He’s unsure if he should feel upset with himself for not realizing how he felt sooner, guilty for his indulgences against his friend, or afraid, because he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to handle himself from here.

Most of what he feels is content even despite the inner turmoil, an unknown emotion making him aware of the fact he enjoys the way Cloud’s skin now glistens with a trail left by his teeth and tongue.

But Zack doesn’t see it as a warning sign for what’s to come. He’s too busy feeling satisfied that his anxieties and stress have been snuffed out to see it, too caught up in his own desires to see the wrong in his actions.

He offers a confused apology to Cloud in a sheepish, almost comical manner. He tries to make a joke about nearly crushing him, aside from what’s blatantly obvious. He’s got no other real excuse for his actions. He chooses not to mention the part where he’d had his mouth and hands over Cloud’s body, and instead chooses to leave it be until Cloud decides to ask. There’s no reason to bring it up now. There’s nothing more really, he can say. And saying he doesn’t know what came over him would sound out of place. Accurate to the situation, but without the context he needs Cloud to understand it’s just going to sound strange if he says it out loud.

“I guess I’m feeling better then, huh?” Zack tries to say with a laugh. His voice still has a strained edge to it, which he tries to get rid of by clearing his throat.

It’s a bit awkward now that Zack is crowding his body in Cloud’s space the way he is. Zack is aware. He’s also aware that he doesn’t really want to move either of them from where they are. He does though. He makes himself sit up. Half because it fits the weird coverup he’s got going, and half because of Cloud.

Because they still need to keep going if they want to make it to that meadow before dark. They’re still out in an open field where anyone can spot them. And the both of them really need to eat. It’s too risky to stay and worry about anything else. At least, that’s what Zack tells himself.

It’s best to move on from what’s happened and brush the new experience to the side now that his pulse has calmed down. Zack often does when he doesn’t know what to do. He’s feeling too good to let anything dampen his mood now. He’ll have to deal with it someday, but today? He’s getting off easy.

“Guess that means it’s time for us to get moving again.”

Zack’s muscles are still sore though, and now that he doesn’t have the adrenaline from before dulling his senses, he can feel the strain much more while he moves to put the armor and harness back in place on Cloud’s body. He tries his best to do it right and not think about it, even though his hands are still craving to take away more than what he’s putting back.

He puts his gloves back on after that and stands, looking down to where he’s left Cloud. It should feel bad that it doesn’t bother him to see his friend laying so out of place on the wet ground and covered in filth and looking disheveled from Zack’s advances. But it doesn’t. In fact, he finds he kind of delights in the sight of him like that. It’s another warning sign he chooses to ignore for the sake of his own comfort.

That bit of peace Zack had gained doesn’t last for very long. He forgets the final step his body is used to going through after the pressure builds. He’d been too busy trying to hurriedly get them back on track and normalize the situation that it never crossed his mind.

He doesn’t even realize it after he’s hoisted Cloud back up on his feet and they finally do start to move. Not even when the anxiety comes crawling back, much sooner than it normally does. He tries even more to ignore the tension that begins to build in his body again, laying low just under his anxiety. He’d hoped to at least get a few hours of walking the distance they need to under his belt before he had to deal with his own issues. It’s not looking very promising.

Zack soon realizes that he’ll need to busy himself with something else to pass the time if they’re going to make it. His limbs are still heavy and he’s quick to regain his fatigue from earlier the longer they walk. He tries to talk out loud, to Cloud and to no one else in particular as they limp forward. His mind stays occupied by counting their steps once he’s left without anything else to talk about. There’s no real reason behind it other than it gives him something to do besides having to feel the pain and anguish in both his mind and body. Nothing he does in the hours that follow help much either.

That is, until the sun starts to set and a certain itch starts crawling back into the forefront of his mind. It’s like a time clock now. As soon as the skies start to change color and the sun starts to wane, Zack’s insides bristle with excitement. It’s the break Zack’s been waiting for since their last rest. A perfect opportunity, one that’s a fool proof way to calm his nerves.

He only allows himself to speak up once they’ve successfully entered the meadow at the opposite end of the field, where there’s plenty of places for him to set Cloud down and not have to worry.

“You must be hungry after all that walking, huh?” Which is today’s way of Zack easing into the situation. It’s more for himself than it is for Cloud, as if it’s some kind of scapegoat for the guilty pleasure he’s already far too ready to indulge in. “Been a while since we ate. Wanna’ stop for a bit?”

He tries to keep his voice from sounding impatient, if only for Cloud’s sake. He doesn’t realize it yet, but this time, it’s going to be different. Today, his insides are already tingling with anticipation from their last little encounter. He feels…almost nervous, in a way. It causes his adrenaline to spike.

He’s a little too eager to get started this time and a little too rough when he sets Cloud down, to which Cloud whimpers out reflexively at the unintentional manhandling. His voice still sounds weak and feeble, and this time it’s boarding on pain. It ignites the worst and best in the pit of Zack’s stomach just by the sound of it. It’s a faltering crescendo of sounds that is all Zack has been wanting to hear.

Zack’s hands are immediately on Cloud’s arms to pull him upright so he doesn’t slide onto his side and into the dirt and mud. His hands linger, coxed on by how much warmer Cloud’s skin feels under his palms than usual. It doesn’t even occur to him that Cloud might be running a low-grade fever now, a combination of the mako poisoning and the rough weather they’ve had to endure. He’s too enthralled by the look and feel of it to notice anything else.

Zack wants to feel bad about Cloud being in any kind of discomfort. He really does. And he definitely would have before all this began. Right now though, it’s just another great way to drown himself in the comfort of being close to Cloud, and of the situation being normal enough inside his altered mind that he feels he can spoil himself. Being more intimately close with Cloud has become the only thing that settles him. He doesn’t need the darkness consuming his core to tell him that anymore.

Zack’s insides are jumping, but he tries to keep the situation light even though he’s aching to delve right in. He wants Cloud to know he’s still the same Zack he can count on, in the end. The same Zack who has been caring for him all this time. And the same Zack who’s going to bring Cloud out of his coma-like state.

“Geez, I guess my arms are more tired than I thought…didn’t mean to drop you like that.”

He offers Cloud a smile. It’s genuine. Zack imagines a happier moment after, a moment of yearning where his mind’s eye shows him what it will look like if there was a little quirk of a smile there over Cloud’s lips in return.

The thought makes Zack’s heart thump painfully in his chest. The need to be closer rises up once more and fills him completely. He reaches out without any thoughts, ruffling the top of Cloud’s hair and watching how Cloud’s head bobs along under the strength of his hand.

Cloud really does give Zack the reigns, and Zack can’t say it doesn’t give him the best feeling to see it happening. Like a calm before the storm that knowledge rages inside him. Cloud is waiting for Zack to take control. He’ll come alive if he does. That’s what his mind is telling him. It has him feeling too warm for comfort, and conflicted.

Zack wants to stay now despite his eagerness to set out in search of food. The need to stay with Cloud and touch him is too bright, as is the thought of willing his friend’s body awake with his hands and reaping the reward when he gets to see him finally wake up. It’s a delicious thought, in every aspect.

But Zack has been in this situation before. He’s waited so long by now, and he’s gotten so used to the way Cloud is. Zack still holds on to the optimism he carries, but he also hates getting his hopes up. It’s less painful than pushing it aside and carrying on with their routines.

He’ll try and remain optimistic here too, as always. He’ll try and not let himself dig too deeply into painful territory and force himself to look away. It’s the best he’s got right now. There’s no one else there to tell him the other way he’s looking is a dead end as well.

“I’ll…I’ll be right back, ok?” It’s the first time in a while Zack doesn’t feel confident enough to put on that overbearing façade. It won’t be the last. He’s too tense for that. “I’m gonna’ find us something to eat.”

_Us_ , he says. But he doesn’t intend on eating anytime soon. He doesn’t really feel hungry even though it’s been nearly a day since he last ate. He just wants to feed Cloud. More specifically, he wants a reason to have his bare fingers back in his mouth.

Zack never lets himself stray from Cloud for too long, usually. Even when he wanders off to find pleasure along his own skin. Some days it takes longer to get back to Cloud though, and he’ll have to move farther away to find food. In any case, his attention is always pointed more in the direction he’d left his friend, just in case he hears any kind of distress. It’s the lifestyle they’ve had to adapt to with Cloud unable to defend himself.

Today though, the process of finding food feels much quicker, and less focused on the details. His adrenaline is higher than normal. He can feel it in the way his legs seem to carry him endlessly without fatigue as he rummages through a clearing of trees and shrubbery.

Ordinarily he’d be on a more extended search while looking for something more substantial like fish and smaller animals he can try and cook for them. Right now though he feels a heightened sense of urgency to get back. It pulses in his veins like a ticking clock, making him almost frantic with the loss of time each step takes from him. He thinks it’s just his anxiety messing with him. He’s just worrying about Cloud being left unguarded. Some days are worse than others for him when it comes to his separation anxiety.

But then, finally he spots a cluster of berry bushes. Black raspberries, and most of them are ripe enough to eat. That’ll do. Zack opens one of the few empty bottles that he still carries, ones that used to carry his potions. He quickly fills it instead with the berries. It’s not full when he stops and closes the lid, but it’s enough that it doesn’t make Zack feel like shit for it.

He retraces his steps back to Cloud in no time after that, his mind barely even registering the trip. The anxiety flares hot up the back of his neck when he gets back. Cloud sits limply against the trunk of the same tree he’d left him at, his head turned down toward his chest. The sight makes Zack’s own chest ache.

Something feels different this time inside himself, when Zack looks at him. Something dark and something painful that threatens to consume him. Zack doesn’t understand it, finds himself wrapped in the anxiety of not being able to understand it build in his throat. His feet take him to a slow stop before Cloud’s limp and sagging body, Zack’s heart thrashing in his chest.

He doesn’t recognize the need for his friend to wake up, not for what it is. All he can recognize is the need for him.

His gaze immediately shoots to the way Cloud’s hands are neatly tucked into his lap, as though he’s looking for a reason as to why he feels this way, that’s it’s not just himself that’s the cause. The tension climbs. He doesn’t remember moving Cloud’s hands, but he also doesn’t remember them being like that when he’d left. The knowledge makes him feel strangely possessive and protective.

For a solid and stressed moment Zack wonders if he’d missed a lucid moment, if Cloud had been aware and Zack had missed it entirely. A moment that should have been his, and his alone. A moment he’s been craving for days on end to the point he’s shed tears over it.

He can’t sense anyone else around, and Cloud looks otherwise unharmed. Zack feels better in knowing Cloud hasn’t been touched in the absence of his presence but, it doesn’t stop his heart from racing at the implications.

His mind offers him a suggestion instead of the obvious discord in his mind that’s the real cause. Zack’s mind reminds him of the sounds and vocalizations Cloud makes when they’re the closest to each other. The simple fact that Cloud has been making more as of late. It reminds him of how distressed the noises sound sometimes. Zack has already started to feel like Cloud subconsciously tries to move closer to Zack now too.

Zack feels like Cloud has come to need the comfort of their contact just as much as he does now. Just like before, in the field. Maybe Cloud was trying to cope with not being able to reach Zack with his voice? Maybe moving his hands was the best he could do to try and find where Zack had gone? Maybe Cloud suffers the same bouts of anxiety when they’re separated, and he just can’t tell him that yet. Does Zack even remember hearing anything from Cloud while he was out looking for food? He only remembers bits and pieces now. Had he really missed Cloud calling out for him?

Something inside Zack’s psyche feels like it’s ready to snap. There’s the possibility that Cloud’s hands where like that to begin with, and Zack just didn’t notice earlier. But Zack’s mind won’t let him know that.

Zack tries to inhale slowly, and lets it out with a hand sliding over his face. Don’t dwell on it, he’ll tell himself. Just keep doing what feels right. Keep doing what feels good and everything will right itself eventually.

He already feels like he’s losing the battle today with whatever the hell his emotions are trying to do. He realizes then how rigid he’s standing, hovering over Cloud with an awfully wrecked expression. It’s not something Zack wants Cloud to see when he wakes up. He wants to be able to be Cloud’s pillar of strength.

He tries instead to play his sudden weird stance off as something much lighter, just in case Cloud is listening in. It’s not as easy as he wants it to be, but he manages. He presents his best smile to Cloud and swallows down the negative thoughts threatening to consume him. Then he drops to his knees, trying so hard to sound normal it almost feels forced. In reality, he doesn’t even know what normal feels like anymore.

“Good to see you didn’t run off on me.” He says, his tone still trying to find that constant that he’s sure Cloud is used to hearing from him. He wants to be able to comfort Cloud, even if the remnants of a voice long forgotten inside his head tells him it doesn’t matter.

And while Cloud may not say anything in particular in return, he does offer a groggy sounding moan. It makes Zack feel relieved, even though the pitch and stutter of Cloud’s voice has him suddenly feeling more impatient than he already is.

His heartbeat starts pounding in his ears. The darkness consuming him begs him to continue, to quit trying to stall and let himself feel how good it is again to be submersed in Cloud’s aura.

This time, when Zack sits on his haunches between Cloud’s legs and tilts Cloud’s head back, he notices there’s already saliva collecting at the corners of his mouth. Maybe Zack didn’t have to lie to himself this time after all.

He doesn’t waste time in ripping his gloves off and coating his fingers in a handful of crushed berries. As always, he lets Cloud know what he’s about to do before he does it. A friendly gesture. Completely innocent, despite the dark undertone lurking in the back of his mind. “Alright buddy, I’m gonna’ feed you now. It’s not much, but it’ll do for the time being.”

Zack might be imagining it, his tunnel vision closing in and centered on Cloud and Cloud alone, but it looks like those lips of his have parted even more for him. Zack slides his fingers in easily this time because of it, some of the berries falling to the ground before they even reach Cloud’s lips. It’s warm again inside Cloud’s mouth, as it always is. The sensation spreads up past Zack’s wrist and elbow this time.

Zack tries to quell the swell of emotion rising in his chest and the need for something more with a little humor just to keep himself from going too fast. “Just don’t bite, alright? I _will_ bite you back.”

It’s meant as more of a joke to cut through Zack’s own unreadable tension than it is an actual threat. But Cloud’s tongue twitches against Zack’s fingers, almost like a tentative lick, and Zack’s body goes rigid in response. It feels like Cloud actually _is_ aware. Any form of jovial contentment is sucked from the situation in an instant, and it leaves Zack feeling hopelessly lost against Cloud’s hold.

Zack can’t help but bite the corner of his lip, trying to swallow that same tension down before Cloud starts to wonder what he’s thinking and why his fingers refuse to move. Cloud still hasn’t swallowed, despite Zack’s effort. Rather, it feels like Cloud has resorted to probing Zack’s fingers with his tongue instead.

Zack’s tongue slips across his own lower lip at the sensation He pauses to let the feeling of Cloud’s tongue against his fingers wash over him. He allows himself to think that Cloud is being coy instead of just being really out of it. It’s a dangerous, but wonderful thought.

His fingers push the berry bits to the back of Cloud’s throat like he usually would, and almost pushes too far. He nearly forgets that Cloud needs to swallow first he gets so preoccupied. He tries not to acknowledge how antsy thinking Cloud is toying with him is making him. Cloud is being stubborn today, and it’s not helping Zack’s situation.

His vision begins to focus more sternly on Cloud’s face. He adds his other hand to lay over Cloud’s throat as an added precaution, massaging there until he feels him swallow. He’s got an empty head again as he watches Cloud swallow again, shortly after on his own accord. Zack has to keep himself from forcing his fingers in deeper under the sudden urge to know what it might feel like to have the walls of Cloud’s throat close against them. He pulls his hand back instead. More saliva drips down the corner of Cloud’s mouth.

Zack takes in Cloud’s expression while he smashes more of the berries between his fingers. Beautifully lax and serene, looking at him and only him. There’s still no focus in Cloud’s eyes, but Zack’s mind doesn’t waste time in telling him it’s because he’s enjoying this just as much as Zack is. He’s waiting for Zack to make the next move.

And Zack doesn’t stop to realize how differently he’s reacting to the situation before his fingers are back inside Cloud’s mouth. With two fingers he presses down against Cloud’s tongue and slides the berries back at an agonizingly slow pace. He feels around the insides of Cloud’s mouth just as Cloud swallows. He mumbles something around Zack’s fingers, another whimper vibrating over Zack’s skin as he does.

It helps to deter Zack from seeing how out of his control things really are. Zack still doesn’t realize the crucial part of his routine that he’s forgotten, and it’s what’s setting the tone here. It’s only creating more pressure inside him, and amplifying the sensations.

He takes in the dazed look in Cloud’s eyes, and the way that Cloud’s face is actually flushed. It sends a shiver through Zack, even if the tint over Cloud’s cheeks is for a reason Zack can’t see past his own eagerness to recognize. His mind won’t let him consider whether or not the flush had been there before the start of all this, just like the dilemma with Cloud’s hands. It won’t let him think anything other than how much paler the rest of his face and neck look against it. All he knows is that Cloud looks absolutely perfect like that.

Without thinking, Zack pulls his fingers back and sucks the remaining juice away. It’s not much, but the sweetness is there. His eyes are locked on Cloud’s partially lidded ones, his parted lips, the saliva coating his mouth and side of it where Zack had slid his fingers down. There’s a bit of berry juice already staining his skin. It goes perfectly with the tint on his cheeks.

Zack can feel his own temperature rising even more at the sight. Empty thoughts, empty head. There’s only Cloud to fill them. His tongue laps over his own fingers in his mouth while he stares.

His body is starting to feel heavy and strange like before. It’s the same warning he would head to when things got too deep, and when he would let it get too intimate. Before today, that is. He doesn’t take it as a warning now, just like last time. He’s already too familiar with giving in, already too eager to feel good in a world he only feels pain in. He knows now what it feels like to be even closer with Cloud. There’s nothing that can take that from him now.

No, instead he lets the warmth of the sensations blanket him. Zack has been in pain for so long that just this is enough for him to allow. It eases the ache in his chest and fills it with warmth instead.

It also fills him with greed. His fingers push back on his own tongue as he looks at Cloud. He pushes back far enough that it’s almost too much before he pulls back to speak around the tips of his own fingers resting against his teeth. His words sound almost breathless, but tense. It’s a confusing mix of the two that perfectly matches how Zack feels inside. “Want some more?”

Zack is too focused on Cloud’s mouth now to even think straight. He has more berries between his fingers before Cloud could ever even hope to have the time to reply. Then his fingers are back in Cloud’s mouth where Zack gives them a reason to play. Where Cloud _lets_ him play, Zack’s mind cuts in, already too far gone that it doesn’t sound like someone else’s whisper.

Cloud finds it the perfect opportunity to let out the littlest mewl of a sound from deep in his throat, swallowing on impulse then, and much quicker this time. Zack feels it over the palm of his hand he still has laid against Cloud’s adam’s apple. He leans in closer to Cloud, mostly so he doesn’t miss any other meager sounds that Cloud might make. Their thighs are touching now, and it’s starting to feel like Zack’s overheating. But being this close is honestly everything Zack’s been yearning for since he woke up.

Because for so long Zack had felt alone and deprived, only to find his redemption during their time in the open field together and finding it to be too much for Zack to throw away so easily. And because Cloud is so _warm_ underneath his touch and Zack’s skin feels like it’s tingling each time he so much as looks at Cloud. Cloud is _alive_ under him. He doesn’t need to say anything for Zack to feel the blood pump faster through his veins. Other thoughts start to return to him. The ones that only breed disaster. Zack doesn’t even try to fight them.

Zack feeds Cloud more of the berries and lets his free hand roam. They smooth over Cloud’s exposed neck in a slow stroke of skin on skin, sliding up over his jaw without resistance. Cloud looks so different like this. Enticing, in an oddly affectionate kind of way that eats away at what remains of Zack’s sanity. It makes him want to ruin that image under a sudden rush of emotion, letting the thrum of excitement that’s ever-building coax him into pushing deeper.

He uses the two fingers already in Cloud’s mouth to rub a line over his tongue once the berries are gone, his ring finger joining them the next time they slide back inside. His other hand steadies Cloud’s neck and keeps his head tilted, just under his jaw. It’s more suited for Zack’s viewing than it is for functionality.

Cloud’s tongue presses up in response to the new width between his lips, a warm wet lick to Zack’s fingers. In a daze, Zack drags them forward, then back again. He slides them in far enough that Cloud’s muscle memory kicks in and he swallows. He coughs a little after that, the position Zack has him in adding stress on his throat.

“Taste good?” Zack hears himself whisper, his own voice sounding rather tight. Like he hasn’t spoken a word in years. He knows his control is slipping past the breaking point. But he’s also anxious to feel more this time. He wants to feel closer than he’s been able to, his mind yearning for a way to make a deeper connection.

The hand against Cloud’s throat drops to his thigh instead, a spot he’s come to favor recently, where he seeks out Cloud’s muscles and wonders for the first time what it might look like to see them twitch instead of just getting to feel it. Cloud’s muscles jump wonderfully under Zack’s palm. Zack feels it like a plea to continue, even when his better judgment tells him not to. It feels too good to stop now.

He moves impossibly closer, his fingers pushing down over Cloud’s tongue and dipping down into Cloud’s throat in hopes he’ll get a reaction. He can feel the top of his knuckles bumping against the roof of Cloud’s mouth each time he moves, forcing his fingers to push in deeper.

His own mouth is dry, but Cloud’s mouth is wet enough that Zack can’t tell the difference. More saliva slides down from the corner of Cloud’s lips, his mouth almost too full when Zack pushes his pinky finger inside as well. His thumb rests at the corner of Cloud’s outstretched mouth, pressing into his cheek as he bends and stretches his fingers inside. Zack completely forgets about the berries at the sight, or even the reason why they were ever there to begin with.

He pushes his fingers inside and slides them back, scraping his nails over Cloud’s tongue on the way out. Again, and again he pushes and pulls, in slow tandem with his hand on Cloud’s thigh. All the while Cloud’s head bobs along with each movement that his current state won’t allow him to fight against.

Zack’s face is so close to Cloud’s now, his breath quickening at the wet sound of his fingers inside Cloud’s mouth and of Cloud sputtering helplessly against them. He’s so close and so interested that it tears him apart to watch.

Zack takes to returning to what he knows felt good before, in drowning himself in the feeling and never letting it stop. He dips his head and places his lips over Cloud’s skin, just below his ear. It’s the easiest spot to get to without his hand having to pull down the fabric keeping him from the rest.

The pressure and tension is building inside Zack’s body faster than he can distinguish his touch and his needs. He’s sinking within it, sucking hard at Cloud’s neck just to find relief. Cloud chokes out a pitying sound then, around Zack’s fingers. Zack doesn’t hear it as a sign he should stop, that he’s starting to get too rough and Cloud’s weakened state might have already reached his own limit. He hears it like an overstimulated plea, maybe from all the attention Zack is showering him with. The sound of Cloud’s voice through his next desperate and broken whine vibrates deliciously over Zack’s fingers. He moans against Cloud’s neck as another tremor runs through him.

It’s the moment where Zack finally realizes he might have gone too far this time. Way too far. The moment when everything comes crashing in and forces him to a startling realization. And suddenly he remembers _exactly_ what he forgot to do after their little tousle out in the fields that he knew he’d needed to do.

It takes the warm, wet splash of precum wetting the front of his pants to grab his attention. Slowly, he looks down almost in shame, his fingers still wide in Cloud’s mouth and his other hand still on Cloud’s thigh.

A fine display of passion is pointing back up at him, pulling the fabric of his pants up in an arch that his belts restrict against. He’s hard, aching now that he’s realized what’s happened. And it doesn’t feel like it’s going to go away anytime soon. There’s no way Zack can come up with an excuse for his actions this time.

Zack can’t help but grimace at the sight, and at his own ignorance. He’s feeling guilty even as he’s pulling his hands back to himself. What the hell is he supposed to do now?

“…I’m an idiot.”

At least Angeal isn’t there to make him feel even more embarrassed for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and this long chapter. I really was almost done and then suddenly I kept adding things and it got out of hand. 11.5k is probably too much, and as it stands I had to chop the rest off, so now there's going to be a chapter 3.
> 
> I also want to thank everyone who commented, it means a lot to me and I'm so happy that you enjoyed this story enough so far that you took the time to leave me a comment! Much love to you all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I've taken out the set amount of chapters because obviously this story is getting away from me. It was only supposed to be 2 chapters, and I'm already into writing chapter 4...
> 
> More tags added, and I suspect the next chapter will be getting dark. Hmm...

For the first time in a long time, Zack can feel himself beginning to hesitate. The need to think in the moment feels more urgent this time, for him to try and decipher all the pieces to the puzzle he’d refused to put together before. It feels more imminent now that he not let the details slip away from him this time.

Zack listens to the breeze sweeping through the trees. The sound mixes with his own elevated breathing and his heartbeat that’s now thumping in his ears. He lets their situation sink in, confusion swirling around tunnels of need and forced innocence inside his head.

He’s forced now to realize that what’s been happening between them has grown and changed into something other than what it started out as. He’s been letting things go, and let things get a little too far ahead from beyond his reasoning each time with Cloud. He’s taken a step too big into the unknown by letting his body guide him in his quest to seek comfort. He can’t put his issues aside anymore, unfortunately.

He can’t as easily mark this down as a consequence of what’s been building around them. Not this time. Zack’s subconscious has already built another connection, built upon by what they already have the more time he’s spent crowding Cloud’s personal space just in the span of the past few days. Their connection feels newly alive and thriving now, and deeply woven with memories and emotion that Zack hasn’t given himself enough time to process.

It feels deeper to Zack, even, than the one he shares with Aerith by now. He doesn’t need DMV results to tell him that. He can feel it each time he looks at Cloud, when the overwhelming sense of needing to be with him- the _real_ him, shines the brightest.

And while he may be a little more privy to what’s happening in the here and now with his body’s reactions, he still somehow feels blindsided. He’s hand-fed Cloud more times than he’d ever be able to count. But he definitely didn’t foresee this coming. It makes him feel…strange. And impossibly stupid.

Optimistic nativity again, perhaps. It’s kept him ignorant enough while his thoughts have been preoccupied with their daily struggles and Zack’s own mounting tension over it all. It’s had him well and truly oblivious, feigning innocence even as he tiptoed on the edge of that fragile line between friendship, and something else. What he thought was just a fascination of touching Cloud and feeding him like he does comes now under a different light. As do some other things.

It used to bring him comfort with all the touching after being so starved of it for years on end. It became a familiar way to cope, a salve for his inner wounds by being so close and so intimate that his body had yearned for it.

But this no longer feels like a situation that’s happened randomly because he’s ignored his body’s need for release, with or without the tension and trauma. It’s helped, but it’s not the underlying cause. He doesn’t even feel like it’s as simple as needing release as a way to cope anymore. It’s not about circumstance, and it’s not about hormones.

The more Zack tries to search inside himself, the more he’s realizing that he _likes_ this twisted form of intimacy and perversion he feels when he’s with Cloud like this. He’s enthralled by it. And he’s aware now, for the first time, of just how much he wants to continue. It makes his heart race, and his belly grow tight with anticipation.

Zack has to wonder now, if there might be something else besides the caring compassion of friendship that he now feels for Cloud. He understands enough of the situation that he can’t ignore the possibility. But what’s he supposed to do now that they’ve started to cross that thin line drawn between them? What’s beyond the threshold of where their friendship began, and where this increasingly intimate relationship is heading?

Zack doesn’t have those answers, and there’s no one within miles for him to talk to about it. All he knows is that he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing. And even if he did want to stop, there’s no more excuses for him to hide his actions under.

So why should he stop, then? He likes what he’d done, and there’s no way he can deny it now. To himself or to anyone else. It’s far too late to try and brush it off with a joke, too late to act like the mounting sexual tension he’s created hasn’t been building, and that unnecessarily finger-fucking Cloud’s mouth hadn’t been getting him off. Because clearly it had.

There are only a few possible routes for him to take from here, and with his emotions burning like an anxious wound and his body stinging with excitement, there’s only really one option he’s considering. It leaves Zack feeling a tad uneasy to go through with it, but eager to feel where this is heading all the same.

He’d let himself fall into his own greed, going from little to no thoughts and depending on feeling and sensation alone to keep him sane, to having the reality of what’s actually happening now come crashing in all at once. Zack can feel the edge of excitement inside himself, from touching Cloud’s skin and being surrounded by Cloud’s heat. He wants to feel more, despite the ignorance of his actions in building up to this point.

Things will change from this moment on if they continue on the same path. His intentions will no longer be as innocent as before if they continue. Even more so. Things have already begun to change the moment Zack laid his hands on Cloud and felt something deeper from it. Zack can’t escape that knowledge. He can’t make his thoughts go back to reacting as innocently as Cloud’s caretaker anymore, when things used to be less intimate and easier to deal with between them. Things have already changed, and so has Zack.

Unknowingly pining for Cloud’s attention after all these months has left Zack damaged inside and desperate for him, craving any part of him that he can reach for. Zack lets that sink in too, and comprehension of his actions slowly starts to hit deep. It starts to sink in of just how much he’s done with Cloud, and how far he’s willing to go even still to feel whole again. And he wants it with the one person he wishes the same for.

But Zack is hard, and all of Zack’s thoughts just keep coming back to Cloud and what he wants to do. It’s difficult to make any other decisions when what he wants is right in front of him, willing in his eyes and ready in his mind to be with Zack in the same way.

They’re already here at the point of no return. That much is painstakingly clear. What’s wrong with letting himself indulge a little, in giving himself the brief guilty pleasure of letting his inhibitions go? With the possibility of finally feeling alright in sight?

Zack looks down to where his erection is straining against the confines of his pants. Thinking about Cloud in any aspect has done little to help it go away. But, he’s fine with that for the moment. He’ll let himself indulge in the feeling of it without feeling as guilty. What he won’t let himself do just yet, is look at Cloud directly.

Slowly, he moves his hand to touch, tentatively wrapping his hand over what he can manage with his pants in the way, and squeezes his hand over himself. The touch his own hand brings only makes it easier to give in, his cock throbbing in response against the pressure of his own fingers. Zack can’t help the small moan that escapes him. He doesn’t have to think about Cloud to enjoy it, but he does anyway.

He thinks about how he’ll take anything Cloud will let him have. How he’ll soak up all the noises Cloud makes when Zack’s lays his hands over him and lets the vibrations of Cloud’s voice rock his body until he doesn’t have to think about choices and what’s right or wrong anymore. He’ll breathe in the scarred scent of Cloud’s skin and mouth a promise wherever and whenever he can along it. He’ll let his tongue taste mako and dirt and sweat-soaked skin just to feel closer to Cloud, until the ache in his heart starts to fade away.

Zack doesn’t want to back down. He’ll continue even if, maybe, there is still a small part of his heart that’s telling him he shouldn’t. Zack can’t throw away the thoughts that spiral in his head anymore. They saturate his senses with visions of Cloud and what they could do that will bring Cloud closer and help to make Zack feel like his heart isn’t the only one still beating. That he’s not alone and Cloud enjoys his company just as much as Zack enjoys his.

The line’s right there in front of him. All Zack has to do now is step forward and accept it. They’ve come this far already, each new moment of weakness where Zack has brought about the new changes in their relationship a milestone created. It’s created a new exception inside his brain as to how this is acceptable. All there’s left to do is enjoy and bask in the comfort each other brings.

Zack is too blinded by his own inner turmoil and emotions to see through his own justifications and see Cloud’s condition for what it is. All he sees is Cloud. All he wants is Cloud. And he’ll have him, for as long as Cloud lets him.

Zack squeezes hard and presses into his own hand, grimaces through a sudden and intense wave of pleasure as more possibilities open up inside his mind, a heady groan spilling over his lips as he feels more precum saturate his pants. He has to pull his hand back just to calm himself from getting too excited too soon.

He decides to run his hands idly down Cloud’s arms as a way to change his focus instead. He slides them from his shoulders to his fingertips in a slow and intimate drag of skin on skin before meeting metal and leather. He’s debating to chance a look into Cloud’s expression, weary of what he’ll find there.

Zack hopes he won’t ever have to see disappointment there in Cloud’s expression because of him, but he especially doesn’t want to see it now. He’s hoping to the skies above and the hell he’s currently suffering through that this isn’t the one time Cloud will decide to push him away and tell him this isn’t something he wants with Zack.

Right here, with the lingering taste of berries and the taste of Zack’s fingers still spread over his tongue, and with Zack fully erect not even two feet from him and looking as desperate as ever to dive in to something Cloud still hasn’t agreed to. Zack eventually decides to look anyway.

His heart aches as it usually does when he looks at Cloud anymore, but this time it feels different. His brain finally opens up to the deep seeded fondness that’s been growing in his chest with the time that’s passed. It allows him to register the pain for what it truly is, and the want he feels for Cloud to return his feelings.

Luckily for Zack, Cloud’s expression hasn’t changed much aside from his usual vacant stare. Zack gets off easy again without being scolded, just as he has in the past. And while that’s well and all to satiate his need for approval, it doesn’t quite give Zack the mental stability he needs to make the right choices.

Cloud still hasn’t spoken to him. He still hasn’t responded to Zack’s tender touches or replied in sentiment when Zack asks for it. All it’s done is make Zack want to try other things. Things that Zack will enjoy, and things that Cloud might have a better chance at responding to. A win-win, in Zack’s desperate opinion.

Zack is too far gone now to see the specs of wrong that’s littered his path on his quest to feel right again. He’s very much changed now, maybe in a way not too dissimilar from Cloud, even though he can’t recognize it. His mind has slowly pieced itself together again throughout the changes, building walls around his weaknesses and flooding his senses with something else he won’t have to agonize over.

It’s a good way to cope, but it’s also a dangerous way to go about things. It keeps him blind to his own moral compass, and all without consequence.

Because Cloud is still unconscious and detached from reality in a coma fueled by too much mako and Gaia only knows what else, and Zack should be thinking of how he can help him break free of that prison. Instead, Zack’s thinking of what he’s going to do now that he’s hard, with Cloud limp before him and a rose-colored tint to his cheeks.

Zack’s hand is already back to palming himself before he realizes what he’s doing. Too entrapped by his newly acquired visions, he presses his palm against himself and slides his hand down. His pants provide the right amount of friction while he moves, the tug of his hand dragging the fabric down enough that it tugs at the head of his cock. It makes him want to thrust up, to fuck into the constrictive space until his pants are dripping wet with his excitement.

He doesn’t though. He’s become good at this kind of control. He keeps the pace slow, his pleasure restricted. He doesn’t want it to be done and over with yet, not with the potential to feel more in his sights. He knows what he needs to do now, but how he’s going to get it done is what’s holding him back from completely letting himself go.

He’s not getting out of jerking off. That’s one thing his mind is set on now. He needs some kind of physical release to be able to carry on at the present. But again, he’s got limited options. He has two really, that he’s willing to consider:

He can sit at the opposite side of the tree and give himself something quick just for now until he can think more clearly. He’s done it enough in the past to know it’s a fast solution. Not just in the recent months either. While rising through the ranks at Shinra, it used to be an especially handy tactic while he was on missions or other, when his hormones decided to go haywire and he couldn’t shake the tension raking his nerves without the overwhelming desire to empty out.

That’s an option. He won’t be too far from Cloud then. At least that way he won’t have to feel the guilt from his previous actions while he does it. It’s the safest option. But, it’s not the easiest one for Zack to make now. Not anymore with how much Zack’s hands have strayed, and not with how deeply he’s made the connection between that strange mix of comfort and pleasure and associating it with touching Cloud.

And although Zack has more than one option, he knows by now like he’s known before that there’s still only one his mind and body are willing to accept.

His mind provides the images to try and persuade him of another option, of a way that he can still indulge while not having to feel too guilty.

He could stay right here and do it, and just keep himself quiet and keep Cloud’s head from sagging too low to watch Zack’s hand moving. It would feel better that way, more satisfying in the long run considering how he got to this point. He wouldn’t have to feel so empty afterwards for once.

But there’s a problem even with that option, Zack soon realizes. He knows he’s not the quiet type in sexual situations, for one. He enjoys vocalizing just as much as he enjoys hearing it from others. Going at it solo is one thing, especially when he knows he has to be quiet, but being with someone else never fails to get him going. He knows that once he starts touching himself, especially in front of his friend who he’s come to feel so attached to, he’s going to start drowning under the weight of his emotions.

And honestly? Zack can’t deny that right now he kind of _wants_ Cloud to see. All things considered, it might just be what he needs. For Zack to watch Cloud while Zack touches himself and show him exactly what’s changed. For once, it might be enough for them both to heal a little.

Zack thinks about how Cloud has spent more days recently being vocal. Not so much with words that make any kind of sense, but it’s enough to let Zack think maybe he won’t mind hearing a little reciprocation from Zack in the moaning and groaning department now. It’s a different circumstance, but the more Zack thinks about it the more he finds himself eager for Cloud to accept what Zack’s willing to give.

It’s dangerously tempting. The thought of actively watching Cloud sit idly while Zack’s touches his own body sends a hum of approval to rumble around in his ribcage. If things were different and Cloud had been more aware, he’d not have hesitated. He’s never been any part of the shy type when it comes to these things. Flirting is easy. Teasing is easy. Playing coy until his potential partner finally gives in is rewarding.

But the situation is far from anything he’s ever been in. He feels lost in a sense with not much to react to, going by memories mostly as a guideline for what’s acceptable and his own emotions to carry him through with the best of his intentions.

He knows somewhere inside himself, even with his cracking sense of morality, that he should be taking the first option and leaving Cloud’s side to deal with his issue alone. The second option is enticing, but it would definitely open the door to other things- things Zack might not be able to stop later on down the road.

Unfortunately, Zack is in a delicate state, and more likely to give in this time with how tense and unpredictably unstable this past week has been. Zack is far too willing to let go a little while Cloud still doesn’t deny him.

Zack’s still hard against the movements of his hand, even despite the stalling he’s been forced under. His cock aches to be fully touched, still interested and still goading him to let go and seek release the best way he can.

He leans forward just a little, enough to be able to gain a little friction from the cloth of Cloud’s pants over his thigh while still somehow making it feel more innocent. It’s nowhere near enough to satisfy any of his needs. They build inside him like a roaring flame until he relents and puts his hands over Cloud instead.

His hands are less innocent this time, keeping themselves low and massaging Cloud’s sides right above where his harness sits. Zack’s fingers itch to move lower, to feel the dip in Cloud’s hips and soak up the warmth from under his shirt. It’s an awful and deprived feeling to have to wait instead of just charging though and presenting his feelings for what they are.

He doesn’t yet have the courage to remove Cloud’s harness without Cloud verbally telling him to, or helping to remove it. Not now, anyway. He’s more aware now, he knows what he’s doing. It’s not like what they shared in the field. This is different, more in the moment and drawn out for the both of them.

He settles instead for keeping his hands over Cloud’s sides, eventually sliding them around to map the expanse of his back. All of Cloud’s clothing and armor is still attached, but the contact is more than enough to make Zack groan out in appreciation at the contact. His hands wander over Cloud’s body as his own body presses against him, trying to scoot closer with each breath.

All the touching and close contact has Zack on edge. All it takes is one simple action from Cloud to unravel what little self-reserve Zack has left. And then, just like that, his choice is made. Cloud unknowingly makes Zack’s decision for him, the next sound coming from him long and stretched out and pitched just right like it was meant for Zack’s rising libido.

It’s a final straw of sorts, a stamp of approval to seal the deal. It completely disarms Zack, the way that undulating sound lifts and dips from Cloud’s lips as though he’s trying to mimic Zack’s previous moan. It sounds far too good to dismiss.

The tone is light and lacking any kind of passion in reality, but to Zack it’s something else altogether. It sounds more like a whine, begging for Zack’s attention. And for whatever reason Zack’s bleeding sanity sees fit, it actually sounds as desperate as Zack feels.

Zack loses himself to the sound of it. He feels himself leaking again, his cock straining against the wavering sound of Cloud’s voice. When he looks at Cloud next, Zack thinks he finally has a name for what it is he’s feeling. It’s not far off.

How stupid it seems now, that he’s been too naïve in his optimism to see it building after all these days. He’s hard from all the sensations of them being together, and aching from all the touching they’ve shared. Zack knows his desire now. It’s the need to touch more, to feel more, of Cloud. He’s _lusting_ after Cloud. And there’s nothing innocent in those thoughts for Zack to seek out now. No more excuses to fight off the arousal and keep himself in denial.

It could have been more innocent. They could have been something else entirely. But then, would Zack have even made it this far? The realization of his wayward emotions doesn’t hamper the mood like it should. It doesn’t feel as wrong as it should. It’s exhilarating instead.

Cloud’s sitting there with Zack still hunched forward between his spread legs, Cloud with his hands so neatly tucked in his lap and Zack with his hands itching to touch underneath all those layers. Zack moves to sit better on the ground on his knees and watches Cloud, his thoughts empty, but full of emotion.

He watches, but misses the subtle changes in Cloud’s expression, too far stuck inside his own mind. He watches as Cloud swallows, this time completely on his own and without Zack trying to provoke the motion. His brows crease ever so gently, release, then crease again under an unknown emotion Zack no longer has the sense of mind to see. Another whine escapes Cloud’s parted lips.

At the sound, Zack’s cock throbs in earnest against his pants and belts. And suddenly his hands are moving of their own accord, hesitating only for a moment over the various closures and buckles. Then he’s unbuckling them, slow and steady. Zack’s thoughts twist and intertwine with his desire the moment his hands unclasps them, the moment he slides the zipper down and feels his own calloused fingers against himself.

Cloud’s jaw shifts as though his tongue is searching for something inside, the delicate and barely visible semi pout he’s sporting giving Zack a reason not to back down. He’s too far into this delusion to feel joy at the simple motion that Cloud’s expression has changed. He sees it instead like a plea to continue and forgets to feel what he should be feeling.

It’s selfish. It’s incredibly selfish, but Zack can’t stop the suggestive thoughts that are rolling around inside him. Berries aren’t very filling, are they? They digest quick and leave you feeling empty. Zack’s mind tells him Cloud needs his help, whispers to him about Cloud being unable to tell him that he needs him. Cloud needs more than a few berries to fill his aching stomach and he’s in pain because of it.

Zack’s adrenaline surges again under the barely concealed insinuation, further fueling his lust. His resolve is quaking under the need to find release and be closer to Cloud. He’s starting to feel like he’s going to explode at this pace, in more ways than one.

Out of habit, Zack digs with his free hand for the bottle he’d kept the berries in. Because Cloud still needs to be properly fed, and Zack is even more eager to provide. Despite the fact that he knows damn well that isn’t where this is going.

Only by now the jar is mostly just empty. Zack doesn’t remember feeding Cloud all that he’d put inside. Granted, he’d barely filled it halfway, but it had been enough. Now though, there’s barely anything to even coat his fingers. He still tries though, even pulling his other hand back to try and dig in and tap the bottle’s base for any remaining bits.

The berries are gone, but that doesn’t stop Zack at all from acting like they’re not. Cloud still has yet to push Zack away or prevent him from pressing his fingers inside, whether he’s got food or not. Well, Cloud surely won’t mind then, right?

Zack knows realistically that Cloud must still be hungry, Zack is too. But maybe just this can be enough, for the both of them to feel something other than pain for a while. He’ll pull back if Cloud declines. But he won’t, right? He didn’t in the past, and he hasn’t yet.

Zack swallows thickly with his new resolve, and slides his usual two fingers back into Cloud’s mouth with ease. Delighted when Cloud still doesn’t push him away, he lets the warm feeling of saliva and Cloud’s tongue against his fingers wash over him. He lets himself sink further into the pit of lust and desire tingling along his skin. He revels in it, until all he wants is to feel Cloud’s tongue moving against his fingers, and let his cock throb from the feeling of it. He’ll see where this takes them.

Cloud’s lips are nearly perfectly closed around Zack’s fingers, giving Zack more than just a few tingling waves of pleasure by how lewd it looks. Almost instantly after Zack slides his two fingers in more, toward the back of Cloud’s tongue, he feels Cloud trying to pull them down. A distant suckling noise reaches Zack’s ears, though he has to concentrate to hear it. He refuses to believe his mind is making that part up, that he’s not just overtly needy for the sensuality of what he’s doing.

There really isn’t much to swallow but a few mushed up seeds and juice left on Zack’s fingers, and Cloud really hasn’t had much to eat in the past few days…so feeling Cloud trying to swallow up more than what Zack’s got makes sense. Realistically, Cloud must be starving. Just, Zack’s head really isn’t in the right place anymore to think of it that way.

Cloud’s tongue presses up around Zack’s fingers like he’s searching for more, and Zack doesn’t even question himself before he’s pushing his ring finger inside as well, to further fill Cloud’s mouth until messy trails of saliva spill down Cloud’s chin. Zack pushes his fingers down to meet Cloud’s tongue, playing with it until he’s pushing mostly just Cloud’s own saliva around.

Zack’s cock throbs with need at the feeling of Cloud trying to swallow again, to the imagery of his mouth full and his face flushed. More swiftly this time, Zack rubs his finger over Cloud’s tongue, dipping his fingertips back into his throat. Cloud groans around Zack’s fingers, vibrations from whatever incoherent mumbling he’s trying to get out lost in the mix of spit and skin.

Zack starts to feel a more urgent need arise. It blinds him when he knows he should be careful, that this isn’t a normal circumstance. He completely forgets that Cloud still isn’t able to catch the ques sometimes. 

Almost by mistake and guided by his mounting hunger to feel more, Zack’s fingers effortlessly dip down into the narrow beginning of Cloud’s throat. They pull back and stretch, enough that Cloud’s lips stretch to accommodate. Then, he slides his fingers back down past the back of Cloud’s tongue. With it goes all the saliva that’s built up, all empty and without anything for Cloud to eat.

And although Cloud has swallowed on his own more than a few times, Zack’s eagerness to fill him doesn’t give Cloud the right amount of time to react. When Cloud doesn’t swallow quite in time to the mouth full of gathered spit, he just ends up coughing, groaning meekly around Zack’s fingers as his throat constricts.

The wet sound from the stream of coughs that follow Zack’s fingers on their way out of Cloud’s mouth makes him shiver perversely. It really shouldn’t. But Zack can’t help how hot it makes him feel to want more from him, to see Cloud trying and possibly failing to swallow any part of Zack down. He wants to push his fingers back inside immediately, but he surrenders to wait while Cloud is still trying to catch his breath.

The stain over Cloud’s cheeks has deepened, his eyes now glassed over with tears from the stress of all the coughing. It’s making him look even more enticing than before. Zack allows the thoughts to come rolling in while he watches.

He goes back to touching himself, only this time he’s free to wrap his fingers more securely over his erection. He pulls at himself in languid strokes as he watches Cloud, unable to deny how much he’s enjoying himself. Had it not been for the mako poisoning, Zack thinks Cloud’s expression could pass for a nice ‘fucked-out’ kind of look. Especially with the trails of saliva and how used Cloud’s lips look from all the friction Zack’s forced them under. It’s the perfect mental image Zack won’t be forgetting anytime soon. The perfect pornographic image he knows he’ll be using again when he seeks release alone next time.

Licking his lips, Zack gives the head of his cock a few good, quick strokes while he watches Cloud wetly suck in air. The combined stimuli builds pressure faster than he anticipates, and he nearly loses himself to the feeling coursing through him while he watches. He relents to stop himself before it gets to be too much, stops himself from going too fast and ending this too soon. He doesn’t want to stop just yet.

Once Cloud’s coughing fit has quieted to a much more sullen sounding fit, Zack leans in close to Cloud’s face until his forehead bumps against Cloud’s. He closes his eyes and breathes in deep, breathing out slowly and trying to calm his fraying nerves. He doesn’t stop his hand from moving, but he does remain mindful of letting himself feel too much too quickly.

Cloud’s eyelashes flutter helplessly against his own, another needy sound rising in the back of his throat. It sounds as wet and sensual as Zack’s overstimulated senses perceived his previous coughing fit, and it’s awful that Zack doesn’t hesitate to respond with a groan of his own. Cloud’s brows are still knitted together, and Zack still doesn’t see it for what it is. He’s too busy drowning in the pleasure and fantasies of their current situation to understand.

Zack shudders in a breath, his hips beginning to move again against his own hand. He uses his free hand to hold Cloud’s chin and pull his head up. Cloud’s looking at him now, his eyes centered on Zack without any proper focus. Cloud’s breathing is a tad wheezy now and faltering from all the coughing he’d been forced under, but other than that nothing’s changed. To Zack, it’s a beautiful sight.

He’s trying to keep his pace slow, but it’s become a bit of a struggle to steady his thoughts. He’s looking directly at the object of his insanity. And it’s everything Zack could ever hope for and more.

Here, like this, with Cloud looking like that, there’s a chance Zack’s going to do something he might really regret later if he isn’t careful. Because he can feel the pressure building between his hips, and he’s starting to lose whatever shred of morality he’s got left. Those awful thoughts start to return the more he thrusts into his hand, amplified by the pleasure he feels coursing through his body. The filthy ones. The ones that Zack definitely knows he shouldn’t be entertaining.

He starts to think about Cloud in a darker light now that he’s got him here, like this. He starts to think about just how good it looks with his fingers stuffed inside Cloud’s mouth, and how thrilling it is to feel the warm wetness inside. Inevitably, he starts to think about filling Cloud’s mouth with other things that might better fill it, things that would look better inside than his fingers. It’s a dark and dirty vision that almost has Zack spilling over the edge, a completely different scenario that he, naively, hadn’t even considered: shoving his cock between Cloud’s lips and giving him something better to slobber over.

He’s forced, yet again, to calm himself. He pulls his hand away then, trying desperately to will away the thoughts rolling around inside his head. He needs a breather after that last one, his mind surrounding him with stills of Cloud, with his mouth full of Zack’s girth instead of his fingers. It looks wet and sloppy in Zack’s mind, and way too enticing for Zack’s own good.

He’s not willing to let things go _that_ far, he tells himself. That would definitely be crossing a line, right? It hurts to stop, even for a moment, and Zack is starting to feel like his body’s on fire. If he refuses himself that vision, he’s going to have to give himself something else. What he’s doing now feels amazing when coupled with the sight and sounds of Cloud, but it’s still…missing something.

“Damn it…”

He reaches down, kneads both of his hands into Cloud’s thighs with a slow and sensual drag of his palms over the fabric. They move up over cloth and leather, up over his hips and torso. Then, they run a path up Cloud’s chest to the sides of his neck, where they glide over his skin to cup his jaw. Zack tries to find that certain something his heart is craving. He tries to find something else that will better satisfy him than the lewd image still trying to place itself in front of him.

Cloud’s not making it any easier on him though. That suckling noise returns, still gentle and still barely audible. A stunted groan of sorts lifts and halts in his throat, where it pitters out into a single huff of breath. His lower jaw nearly quivers in Zack’s hands. So fragile Cloud is like this. So fragile, and so vulnerable. It does awful things to Zack’s psyche when he’s already impossibly turned on, and unable to make the right decisions to keep himself in check.

Cloud’s still hungry, Zack knows. It’s only making things worse. But the berries are gone, and Zack doesn’t have the willpower right now to go and get more. Not until he’s got himself situated. And that’s going to take a minute.

Zack lifts away and Cloud’s head sags again, between his shoulders but angled enough for Zack to be able to see his face. And here, with Zack aching for release and looking at Cloud, Zack knows he’s losing the battle. He shouldn’t see this as a good thing, but he does.

He rubs a thumb at the corner of Cloud’s lips and soaks it in spilled saliva, then runs it over Cloud’s bottom lip. The rest of his hand is tucked under Cloud’s chin to prop him up, curled sternly to hold his head in Zack’s view. An urge to lean in fills Zack’s chest, to dip down and bite until Cloud’s lips are red and fully bruised. Arousal mixes with an odd, tender sensation that blossoms in Zack’s chest.

“Cloud…” It’s the only word his tightening throat is willing to let free. He wants to say more. He wants to say a whole novel of things. But he knows Cloud isn’t likely to respond with enough words to any of the things Zack has to say. He’s not able to tell Zack all of the things Zack wants to hear right now.

Gently, Zack slips his fingers between Cloud’s parted lips. It’s a familiar indulgence, and one he’s not sure he’s ever going to be able to stop if Cloud doesn’t stop it himself.

Zack plays and stretches his fingers, slowly, inside Cloud’s mouth until his fingers are well and coated. He uses that spittle to ease some of the burn between his fingers when he lowers them back down. Then he’s loosely stroking himself again while he’s got his eyes locked on Cloud’s face. It’s going to have to do.

Zack presses into his own hand, the sight of Cloud only adding to the pleasure. He’s determined now, but he still doesn’t feel like it’s enough yet. He grips harder and presses up against whatever part of Cloud he can just for the added friction.

Watching Cloud as he touches himself feels dirty and exciting, his hips starting to rock into his own hand the more he stares into those green-blue eyes that still refuse to acknowledge him. It’s almost enough. The pressure of Zack’s hand and the sight of Cloud before him is almost enough. But it’s not what Zack is wanting.

He leans down further, resting his face in the crook of Cloud’s neck, his heart hammering in his chest. Zack can feel himself resting more heavily against Cloud as he sits there on his knees over the grass below them. He can also feel his erection throbbing between them, a pulsing pleasure mounting as he bumps against Cloud’s gloved and armored hands, which are still tucked in his lap.

Another thought crosses Zack’s mind then, while he thrusts into his own hand. It’s something Zack knows he shouldn’t even be entertaining, but considering the alternative it might just be all he’s got. One step closer to fully stepping over that line, and his body is alive with the idea of it. There’s still something they can do that won’t make Zack feel like he’s overstepping, something Zack feels like he’s craving now that the thought’s entered his mind.

Zack stops and pulls back just enough to give them space. He stops himself only a moment to move Cloud as gently as he can, helping his body to sink further down the trunk of the tree for a better position. He cradles Cloud’s head, keeping it angled against the bark but still facing him. Then, he keeps his eyes on Cloud’s expression and every gentle detail within it. He looks without really paying attention, and let’s his other hand drop, to drag his palm in loose strokes over his cock. Just enough to keep the flame going.

“…Want to help?”

It’s a harmless gesture, right? Nothing too intrusive that will make Zack have to think badly on it. This won’t harm them. There’s nothing for him to worry about right now as long as he’s not being completely invasive. Zack keeps himself centered on those justifications, and makes another wrong connection inside just brain as to how this is acceptable. Because he doesn’t wait for a response from Cloud. He knows he won’t get one. Instead, he fills in the blanks with a response from the past and takes it to the present.

Zack keeps himself looking a little more naïve as he reaches down to take Cloud’s hand in his. He’s too enamored by the idea of what they’re about to do that he completely dismisses the feeling of Cloud’s gloved fingers that give a little twitch against his own. His mind blocks it out, and he gives Cloud’s palm a gentle squeeze instead of realizing anything else.

“Don’t worry, Cloud. I’ll help you.” He gives no details as to how or what he’s going to be helping him with, because no context is what’s going to work for Zack to be able to go through with this. That’s what his thoughts tell him, under this new connection. It doesn’t feel like the dirty pleasure it is as long as he keeps them both blind of the finer details surrounding it.

He gives another reassuring squeeze to Cloud’s hand, as if Cloud might be apprehensive about what to do in the first place, or because of some ability or lack thereof to do whatever it is Zack is asking of him. Zack adds the dialogue between the lines inside his mind even though Cloud doesn’t speak a word. It stitches together flawlessly. It creates a scenario where this is normal, and alright. And completely not what it actually is.

Zack carefully removes the brace and armor from Cloud’s hand, pulling away the glove to reveal the pale skin beneath. And then, without a word, Zack’s fingers are laced with Cloud’s and moving them both where they need to be. Cloud’s fingers are mostly lax in between Zack’s, but the second they’re both wrapped around Zack’s cock he forgets exactly what he’d been agonizing over to begin with through all of this. He presses his hands over Cloud’s, his own fingers positioning Cloud’s to guide him along the length of his cock. He forgets everything else, drowning in the feel of a foreign hand touching him. Of _Cloud_ touching him.

Zack moans out, unabashed and into the open for anyone willing to listen. He tightens his grip on the back of Cloud’s hand and around Cloud’s fingers.

He scoots a little closer while positioning his knees to sit at either side of Cloud now, his body and his face hovering close enough that he could count Cloud’s eyelashes if he had the concentration enough for it. He can feel himself climbing closer the longer their hands keep moving. He closes his hand over Cloud’s and rolls his palm over the head of his cock. Their fingers are soaked in precum now, sliding over his skin easily. He picks up a nice, semi-lazy rhythm that allows him to savor the feeling. It’s almost too much.

Zack can’t stop his hips from moving, thrusting faster over how good it feels. He almost loses it altogether when the head of his cock pops through the space between their combined middle and ring fingers. This time, he won’t be stopping himself. This time he’s going to hit that high. And he’s going to do it with Cloud’s hand pulling him there.

Just thinking about it makes the need more imminent, about how good it’s going to feel when his orgasm finally hits and his semen is all over Cloud’s hand. He whines pathetically, gripping Cloud’s fingers tighter and applying more pressure. He completely forgets about the no context part.

“Harder,” Zack pants out in between breaths, giving commands as if he isn’t the one in control here. His balls ache, feeling almost too drawn tight with his need for release now. He rocks against Cloud, Cloud’s body moving along with his movements and shifting against the tree.

Almost in response, Cloud groans out. It’s filled with a word or two, but it’s something intelligible. It’s drowned out under the waves of pleasure driving Zack’s hand, and the sound of Zack’s broken and faltering breathes. “ _Fuck_ , Cloud.”

He’s not sure, but he might have let more words of appreciation slip in between the next string of moans that fall from his lips, the next time his hips snap forward and drive him closer. Deeply needy and unconcentrated, he’s not so sure what he’s saying. But those words might have something to do with how good it feels to have Cloud’s hand on him, or about how good Cloud is doing. Zack’s brain isn’t too keen on the details of his own words anymore. He becomes lost to the feeling of Cloud being so close and so warm that everything else just becomes muddy and falls to the wayside.

He tries to keep his eyes trained on what he can of Cloud’s and breathes in the scent of his own arousal and the still damp earth around them. He becomes lost in knowing that it’s Cloud’s hand all over his cock. It’s Cloud’s hand that Zack is fucking in to.

Zack thrusts up into Cloud’s hand and breathes out a heavy sigh of approval. Cloud’s hand is so much smoother than the rough skin of his own, bitten too many times by the hilt of a sword and the rough conditions of battle. Cloud’s hand feels better on him than Zack’s could ever hope to.

Meanwhile, Cloud’s condition remains mostly the same. He doesn’t react to Zack’s eagerness aside from the few vocalizations. A groan here, a whimper there. Syllables smashed together to create words neither of them understands.

Zack pulls harder at his hand the more the pleasure rises, jostling the rest of Cloud’s body along with it. It excites Zack more than it should to see it happen. Unaware of his own actions, Zack moves the hand he’s got holding Cloud’s jaw still and slips three of his fingers back into his mouth.

Whether it’s Cloud’s tongue sliding over Zack’s fingers or Zack’s fingers sliding over Cloud’s tongue makes no difference now. The combined stimuli of his fingers rubbing over the slickness of Cloud’s tongue and the friction of their hands each time he jerks his hips forward is enough. Zack can’t help how loud his breathing sounds, or how much he’s started to grunt and groan just from the pleasure.

Zack gives a particularly hard thrust, and with it his fingers follow. Cloud groans at the sudden intrusion, the walls of his throat tightening only briefly around a cough that vibrates over Zack’s skin when Zack’s eager fingers slip further, sliding down into his throat a little too roughly. The wounded sound of the whimper that follows and the near choking sound he makes, has Zack feeling powerless.

“ _Shit_.”

So suddenly he wishes he could just fuck himself down Cloud’s throat and feel helpless as Cloud swallows him up. To thrust his cock between those lips instead of his fingers and give Cloud something better to choke on. That thought alone makes his mouth go dry.

He’s right on the edge, right there where the pain of their combined grip mixes with the pleasure of the slickened friction. His breath falters, gets caught in his throat as his eyes flutter closed to the sight of Cloud’s vacant eyes staring back at him. He uses Cloud’s hand to pump the head of his cock with vigor.

Zack can feel his stomach muscles tensing sporadically and the heat that’s pooling in his groin. He forces their hands to move faster, to grip tighter at the base and lessen their fingers as they slide up over the head. He guides Cloud’s fingers to close over the tender skin as they slide upward, pumping their hands over himself and quivering under how intense the sensations roll through him.

The familiar tension of his impending orgasm has his toes curling in his boots. His eyelids flutter closed, tries to chase it like he’s going to lose it if he doesn’t. Cloud’s hand is so warm, so tight and so wet around him. He uses that hand to pleasure himself, his hips already shaking with each thrust.

“I’m-…I’m almost-”

But then, his orgasm hits him hard. And it hits without empathy. Heat spreads out over his groin like a blanket, almost making him feel numb. He isn’t sure what he’s saying, but he can feel that it’s definitely more than one word. The noise gets drowned out by his own heartbeat pounding wildly in his ears. Wetness splashes against his chin.

It feels like all his bones seize under the weight of the spasms wracking his body. He curls in against the waves of pleasure and forgets to breathe, the only thought in his empty head a picture of Cloud’s slackened expression and too blue eyes sullied under the brightness of mako. He tries to keep their hands moving. He wants to make it last.

It’s Zack’s turn to sound pathetic and vulnerable this time. He whimpers, each slide of their fingers sending another shock of pleasure through him that almost hurts. It’s so good that he’s sure his whole body is shaking by now.

He only stops their movement when the peak of his pleasure dies out and the immensity of the feeling ebbs away. When Zack’s eyes slowly open after that, it feels like they’re opening up to a whole new world. They’re downcast, watching as he takes their hands and places them around the base of his waning cock and squeezing upward one last time. The sight of his semen being forced out by Cloud’s hand under his makes him feel weak.

By now, the result of his passion coats both his shirt and the ground between them, as well as a bit of Cloud’s shirt. He suspects it’s also what’s currently sliding down his own chin, seeing as somehow, he’d been pent up enough to produce that much.

He stares at that sight while he tries to catch his breath. To say he doesn’t feel the most satisfied he’s ever felt in years would be an understatement.

A tinge of embarrassment creeps into his voice when he finds his voice among the receding pleasure. He thanks Cloud, gives his hand one last little squeeze before letting it rest in the grass. Zack feels a little awkward now, in the aftermath. But he doesn’t regret it.

He lifts his gaze, his head a lot clearer. However, nothing could prepare him at all for what he sees when his eyes reach Cloud’s face. Because there, just as he’d left him, Cloud is. Only now there’s a perverse splatter of semen over his face. It’s Zack’s semen, a filthy reminder of Zack’s lust that glistens over Cloud’s skin. It drips down his cupid’s bow and collects between the crease of his lips and teeth.

And then, just before Zack’s about to clean it, Cloud opens his mouth like he’s on fucking autopilot and they’re back at the labs during feeding time. Zack almost chokes on his spit as he watches his semen sink past Cloud’s parted lips, and again when Cloud actually _swallows_.

His cock throbs hard at the sight, and Zack lets out a helpless groan. “Give me a break, will ya’? That’s not fair and you know it.”


End file.
